Today I went to church with my parents, not sure why, but that means that I went back to my old church. Firstly I have been staying at the cabin this week so I don't really have "Sunday clothes" and being that I forgot that at my parents church (depending on which service you attend) there is kind of a dress code, I was not prepared. I got up and dressed for church as I normally do (for church at my church, at least during the summer), and went to church. I felt super ackward. Not to mention that I didn't seem to fit the group of people that the sermon/talk was talking about. So over all, I just felt out of place and started longing for my church where I don't feel that I have to put on this image or costume to fit in..
And side note: if anyone is wondering why I haven't not been communicating as much the last couple days it is because of a combination between horrible phone signal out here at the cabin and the fact that yesterday my computer decided it didn't want to work (I don't know why), and it is still not working. :(
love to all, and until next time.....later
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
"....You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough...deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl"
This is a quote from something I shouldn't be reading, especially today; but I think it gets out the reason the topic of jobs (or the lack there of) and especially when my parents bring it up can bring me to tears within a couple minutes.
I'm the person who counts, my obsession, I know numbers; also I hold myself at higher and higher standards than everyone else in my world. Friends do something or doesn't do something that isn't the best option, eh they are human....if I do something stupid or don't do something I should, it's a crime. If I am failing a class, I'm _________(I won't write what I say to self because it isn't always nice).
So since not finding a job even though I have a degree and am applying to place that I shouldn't need a degree for, yet coming up short; makes me sometimes think very bad things about myself, that something is wrong with me. And then when my parents mention it words from the past come back to my mind, words that I have worked my whole life to disprove and now....it feels as if those words are all coming true...(even thinking about it makes me cry like a baby). So even while my parents (or sometimes friends if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable) are trying to talk about jobs, where I might find one, or what I might be able to try; I'm sitting there not only beating myself up for not meeting my own standards and for not succeeding even after spending my days obsessing over how to get a job; but I also end up beating myself up because the words feel true right now and that's not acceptable.
But in that moment I can't explain that, my mind just spins and rants to the point of complete overload and the only options I have are to shut my mind down (an option I don't want to take) or cry and make myself look like a bigger fool than I feel (which is the option I normally take).
I'm not a looser, or lazy, and I do want a job...I'm smart, I can do stuff. I guess it just surprises me sometimes how words can stick with you so long, and even when they are proven wrong they can still hurt and paralyze you even years later.
I don't know why I wrote this, but if you read this....please know that words matter and even when you are upset and don't mean them, words can have lasting effects; so try to be careful about what you say to people....
much love...always
This is a quote from something I shouldn't be reading, especially today; but I think it gets out the reason the topic of jobs (or the lack there of) and especially when my parents bring it up can bring me to tears within a couple minutes.
I'm the person who counts, my obsession, I know numbers; also I hold myself at higher and higher standards than everyone else in my world. Friends do something or doesn't do something that isn't the best option, eh they are human....if I do something stupid or don't do something I should, it's a crime. If I am failing a class, I'm _________(I won't write what I say to self because it isn't always nice).
So since not finding a job even though I have a degree and am applying to place that I shouldn't need a degree for, yet coming up short; makes me sometimes think very bad things about myself, that something is wrong with me. And then when my parents mention it words from the past come back to my mind, words that I have worked my whole life to disprove and now....it feels as if those words are all coming true...(even thinking about it makes me cry like a baby). So even while my parents (or sometimes friends if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable) are trying to talk about jobs, where I might find one, or what I might be able to try; I'm sitting there not only beating myself up for not meeting my own standards and for not succeeding even after spending my days obsessing over how to get a job; but I also end up beating myself up because the words feel true right now and that's not acceptable.
But in that moment I can't explain that, my mind just spins and rants to the point of complete overload and the only options I have are to shut my mind down (an option I don't want to take) or cry and make myself look like a bigger fool than I feel (which is the option I normally take).
I'm not a looser, or lazy, and I do want a job...I'm smart, I can do stuff. I guess it just surprises me sometimes how words can stick with you so long, and even when they are proven wrong they can still hurt and paralyze you even years later.
I don't know why I wrote this, but if you read this....please know that words matter and even when you are upset and don't mean them, words can have lasting effects; so try to be careful about what you say to people....
much love...always
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