Christians are dicks (for the most part)

I told myself that I wouldn't do this because I already ranted about it kinda last night; and spent too much time crying over it all already. But I'm going to just to get out everything.
Last night, I didn't sleep much and when I would sleep; I would dream about knives (not cool when you did that the night before too).
Ok, oh to my rant. I know like three Christians, currently in my life right now, who aren't stupid, hurtful, jerks who do shit that brings other people pain and then blame God for it. They say "well, I just felt that God wanted me to do X,Y,Z". Then on top of that they get mad at you when you start blaming God for everything and thinking that He is a vindictive, sadistic jackass.
Expect for two or three people, I pretty much have a love/hate relationship with the Christians in my life. If wasn't for God, I would love them...I say that because when we just hang out without bringing up God; they're awesome (as awesome as people can be); but the minute God comes up they turn into dicks. I'm sure they mean well by what they say and do; but the way it comes across is not cool.
Ok, so I guess I should explain what brought on this rant before I continue, or you may get lost. Last week I e-mailed an older friend (or so I thought) because I was asking her why we had stopped talking two years ago, thinking I might have said something in my last e-mail that wasn't appropriate or something. And given that since I met her when I was 15 (she was my youth leader), I highly respected her and the last thing I wanted was to hurt her....the fact that she was no longer talking to me really concerned me. Well, last night I got her response. And basically she is basing her decision to cut of communication off of who I was at 15 (very clingy, terrified to loose people, etc), and justified it by saying "God told her to do it". I'm 23! NO ONE is who they are 8 years ago. And if she felt this why why did it take her five fucking years to say "Ok, NOW I'm going to listen to God"? And if God did tell her two years ago to drop me....does He not look at his damn records? Two years ago, I was getting better; and by the time I attempted to talk to this lady...I was already restoring a lot of the relationships that I lost because of my clinginess and stuff.
I won't say I hate Christians or God; but most of the time I really don't like them. And the hard thing right now, is I don't know if I should blame the stupid people or the God they follow. Because most of the time I have a perception of God being bi-polar. Meaning, He can be a dick; but at the same time, He can be really sweet and loving and seem to really care when shit hurts you.
With each day, I am inching closer to the conclusion that somehow the invitation to the exclusive group called Church/Christianity came to me by mistake and for the last 9 years I've been trying to fit in to a group that I was never supposed to be in.
I know people who say that they waisted years walking away from God; but I'm almost to the point of saying that I waisted years trying to get to God.

confused

Ok since school started. I have since this girl (that I have had a crush on since I met her my first semester)...on average two or three times a week. And the last few times she has been coming up to me to talk.
She says she's bi but acts more interested in guys...this is annoying me, I don't really know what to do.
Anyway, this turned out to be more stupid that I thought it was going to be sorry

Let me just start off by saying that my head is thinking 2 million thoughts right now and I could take this post in any one of those directions. But I am going to try to pick one and stick to it.
A week from Saturday will be 8 months, and even that seems like a dream. In the last 8 months, I have gotten really scared that none of this is real, that someday I will wake up and it will be the night before Katrina and I will realize that I have finally caused my end....that I'm dying.
I'm scared I will never get to a year, that it's too far away, that with the increase in triggers that my will to fight will fail and I'll give in again. But I'm also scared of what it might cost me so that I can make it to a year; but that's really another topic.
Tonight while with some friends I got slightly triggered. This trigger was not new for me so I knew how to ride it out; but for several minutes my mind flashed back scanning my memories of him. And during those moments, I felt my body begin to crave it...the memories were all there the feel, smell, sound, everything...and for those few moments I had the thought that I haven't consciously had since 11 grade (probably one of my worse times). The thought? "I wish I was a Franciscan monk"
As I said at the beginning, my thoughts are all over the place and seem to be in a sort of a gridlock where one thought or topic leads to another then to another; and I don't want this to go on forever...so I guess I will end with the intended point of this...I'm both scared of never making to a year and/or it being a dream as well as making it there because in my mind at least, I might be gaining control in this area; but it feels like I am loosing it in others and that scares me a lot. I won't expound on that because that will mean going into another topic.