Oliva Benson: ".... I never should have let him take me down there, 'cause I know better than that.....But now I… I feel… I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I feel like– I feel like he has– he stole something from me"
the quote is from Law and Order SVU episode where liv is talking to a therapist about her assault (or almost). I was watching this episode today. I remembed that liv went to a therapist for help, but I didn't remember what she said. And i know this is fictional, but I started crying when I heard it; and now I'm edgy, and definately not in the mood for jokes....
Anyway, why I am writing this post. I have two...events that occurred a few weeks apart. The first one, nothing happened; yet I felt alone, helpless, and scared. And there are alot "I never should" and "I know better"'s in that story. The other story...also has the "I never should" but this one is the one that still has the question "what did I do/say/wear/whatever, that this happened?".
the first story, felt like a set up and even though I still ask all these questions sometimes and all the time feel like I don't have a right to feel how I do given that nothing by definition happened, most of the time, I think I can deal with that story...I still hate and sometimes panic walking alone/going out at night, and I don't talk to guys a lot...especially about me, and there are very few guys I trust to be alone with, especially at night; and I don't ever want to see that place or those involved again; but I don't have the same reaction I did 2 years ago, when it all started hitting me again. I've also talked about it more I guess.
it's the second story that I still can't seem to talk about with myself, let alone anyone else that still makes me cringe and feel dirty and stupid even though again, not much happened and I should have known better. But even with that story I don't feel like I really have a right to feel like I do. I keep saying nothing happened but I can't deny that I'm not the same person I was before these stories happened.
The sick thing about it all, is sometimes I feel like these stories are in someway pay back, that I deserved them.
Anyway, that is my vent.....
Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
To you my love
To you my love:
I say that I am not looking right now because I want to work on me. And for the most part that is true because when you come to me, I want to be worthy of you. No matter your past, you are a treasure; and sometimes I get scared when I think of you because I don't know if I will treasure you as much as you deserve.
In my eyes you are the beautiful rose in the dry desert of the world. You're beautiful. Just the thought of you, the hope of finding you, gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I look at the sunset and dream of you. I long to hold you, to waking up every morning just to tell you how special you are; to walks in the moonlight, to surprising you with a candle light dinner or a poem on your pillow.
I can't promise that I will never hurt you, or that I won't ever let you down, though I wish I could. But I can promise, I will strive to love you, to respect you to the best of my ability, and when I screw up to do my best to set things right and to try to learn from my mistakes.
Until then, I pray you are safe my love, that your sleep is peaceful and your waking moments brings you every happiness available.
I say that I am not looking right now because I want to work on me. And for the most part that is true because when you come to me, I want to be worthy of you. No matter your past, you are a treasure; and sometimes I get scared when I think of you because I don't know if I will treasure you as much as you deserve.
In my eyes you are the beautiful rose in the dry desert of the world. You're beautiful. Just the thought of you, the hope of finding you, gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I look at the sunset and dream of you. I long to hold you, to waking up every morning just to tell you how special you are; to walks in the moonlight, to surprising you with a candle light dinner or a poem on your pillow.
I can't promise that I will never hurt you, or that I won't ever let you down, though I wish I could. But I can promise, I will strive to love you, to respect you to the best of my ability, and when I screw up to do my best to set things right and to try to learn from my mistakes.
Until then, I pray you are safe my love, that your sleep is peaceful and your waking moments brings you every happiness available.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Emmy
This past week I have been in a funk, just been down and bummy and locked inside myself; and didn't know how to talk about it; and I still don't. So, I'm going to do the next best thing in my world....talk about my best friend Emily.
Come June 19th I will have known Emily for six years (the longest/closest relationship I have). We met at a church camp after my senior year of high school in 2005. At first we both had ulterior motives for talking to each other, but by the end of the week we were as I called it once "soul sisters" and Emily knew more about me than anyone up to that point in my life, but that's another story.
Though I didn't consciously realize it at first, Emily had been and still very much is an answer to prayer. When I went to camp that year, I felt misunderstood judged and very alone in the world and even though I don't think I ever ACTUALLY prayed specifically for this, there was a part of me that hoped I would someday find someone who wasn't fooled by the tough girl motif and was able to understand the things that, up to that point, I didn't feel I could tell anyone about...and I found that in Emily. I don't think I ever really fooled her for a minute (she can correct me if I am wrong). I think it's funny, looking back on it now, it was as if somehow she had some master key to my codex and was reading me (and my numerous codes) like a book. That week she even saw and teased me about something that would take me a year to realize and several years to actually acknowledge and accept.
I can honestly, and sadly, say that over the past 5 years our friendship has gone through hell and back; but in all of it, I know I have learned a lot and it's probably safe to say that she has too. From knowing Em, I have seen and experienced what true love, compassion, and mercy is all about. Emily has one of the biggest and strongest hearts I know. Sometimes it surprises me that we are still friends because had I been her, I probably would have dropped me and walked away a long time ago; but I am thankful that she didn't give up on me.
Because of her encouragement and support I have been able to face things that before I met her I was terrified of even talk about, After I met Em, I started reaching out...and sometimes getting burned; and now I am just weeks away from a goal that I never thought was possible in my life.
Some people when they think of heroes, they think of celebrities or their parents; but one of my biggest heroes is Em. She so strong, brave, compassionate, merciful, and truly loving person and a great and beautiful friend. My life wouldn't be what it is today if Emily hadn't come into it. I will forever be thankful for her and will always strive to be the kind of friend she has been to me.
I love you so much sissy, always. Thank you for helping me through my dark days and for reminding me (a lot) that I was worth it and for telling me that I didn't need who know who to survive anymore. Hugs
Come June 19th I will have known Emily for six years (the longest/closest relationship I have). We met at a church camp after my senior year of high school in 2005. At first we both had ulterior motives for talking to each other, but by the end of the week we were as I called it once "soul sisters" and Emily knew more about me than anyone up to that point in my life, but that's another story.
Though I didn't consciously realize it at first, Emily had been and still very much is an answer to prayer. When I went to camp that year, I felt misunderstood judged and very alone in the world and even though I don't think I ever ACTUALLY prayed specifically for this, there was a part of me that hoped I would someday find someone who wasn't fooled by the tough girl motif and was able to understand the things that, up to that point, I didn't feel I could tell anyone about...and I found that in Emily. I don't think I ever really fooled her for a minute (she can correct me if I am wrong). I think it's funny, looking back on it now, it was as if somehow she had some master key to my codex and was reading me (and my numerous codes) like a book. That week she even saw and teased me about something that would take me a year to realize and several years to actually acknowledge and accept.
I can honestly, and sadly, say that over the past 5 years our friendship has gone through hell and back; but in all of it, I know I have learned a lot and it's probably safe to say that she has too. From knowing Em, I have seen and experienced what true love, compassion, and mercy is all about. Emily has one of the biggest and strongest hearts I know. Sometimes it surprises me that we are still friends because had I been her, I probably would have dropped me and walked away a long time ago; but I am thankful that she didn't give up on me.
Because of her encouragement and support I have been able to face things that before I met her I was terrified of even talk about, After I met Em, I started reaching out...and sometimes getting burned; and now I am just weeks away from a goal that I never thought was possible in my life.
Some people when they think of heroes, they think of celebrities or their parents; but one of my biggest heroes is Em. She so strong, brave, compassionate, merciful, and truly loving person and a great and beautiful friend. My life wouldn't be what it is today if Emily hadn't come into it. I will forever be thankful for her and will always strive to be the kind of friend she has been to me.
I love you so much sissy, always. Thank you for helping me through my dark days and for reminding me (a lot) that I was worth it and for telling me that I didn't need who know who to survive anymore. Hugs
Monday, June 6, 2011
Truth
I created a second blog last semester, a blog I didn't share with anyone, one that started out as my own personal support for bad behavior. I thought it was the only way to accomplish my goals; then somewhere along the way it stopped being so bad, I didn't post on my super "bad" days and I started being nice to myself, even when I didn't meet the goal I thought I would for the post I was making.
I haven't looked at this blog for several months now, but today I went and read some of it. On this blog there is a list of beliefs (that I copied from another site) which I re-read today. When I posted this list, I believed every single line; but I realized that I don't quite believe one of them anymore...I still kind of do believe, but not to the same extent. Its progress, maybe one day I won't believe the other things too.
I haven't looked at this blog for several months now, but today I went and read some of it. On this blog there is a list of beliefs (that I copied from another site) which I re-read today. When I posted this list, I believed every single line; but I realized that I don't quite believe one of them anymore...I still kind of do believe, but not to the same extent. Its progress, maybe one day I won't believe the other things too.
Friday, June 3, 2011
have you ever wished that you could go back in time and re-live your life (or part of it) to see what would happen, even if it turns out badly; just so could to stop the what if questions in your head?
Sometimes I wish I could do that. Go back, change a couple of things then see what happens. Yet sadly a time machine has not been invented, and I just keep trying to kill the what ifs when they come up...telling myself it would end horribly bad and that the way things have played out are 1,000 times better than what would have been.
Well, that's all that's coming out of me.
Sometimes I wish I could do that. Go back, change a couple of things then see what happens. Yet sadly a time machine has not been invented, and I just keep trying to kill the what ifs when they come up...telling myself it would end horribly bad and that the way things have played out are 1,000 times better than what would have been.
Well, that's all that's coming out of me.
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