To get what I crave will mean destroying msyelf...yet...giving in, just a little, gives me a high beyond belief. You don't understand how this brings me peace and joy and comfort because to you it only brings the desire to pushing it away. Even as it destroys me, I embrace it and cherish it and mourn when it leaves.
My battle is not "is this healthy or not" it's "Can I sacrifice myself so I can get what I desire". It's a battle of control in some ways, in others not. It's the euphoric sense as my mind embraces it's love all the while knowing at any moment she can consume by it and be destroyed; yet my mind craves her embrace.
Friends from all sides warn "Don't play with her" and ask why I in their minds "play with her", but she's my minds love and when she is happy so's my mind; when she is pissed my mind is tormented. The only greater love for my mind is one that only risks faster destruction, and when he is there, the world disappears, reason vanishes, and peace provails....then he leaves....she leaves and reason returns and I see my failure and am shamed; but still long for their return.
Right now is a time of craving, a time with every cell in my body craves, my one focus. But I can't focus on this, not right now.....
:-(
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Miraculous..well not really
Today was completely and utterly beyond what I thought really could have happened. I finally got the opportunity to have coffee with a friend that for the past several years have looked up to as a really cool friend and kind of a big "spiritual/soul" sister (you know that kind of family that your heart picks and not your biology or natual living situations?).
We talked about our lives the past year or so, what has gone on and where we currently are; and just (or at least I felt on my part) sharing life honestly and openly. And in the middle of this sharing the happenings of our lives, my friend apologized to me for her part in some painful situations I found myself in last year up until a few months ago. It rather surprised me but when I heard her apologize, tears almost immediately started streaming. I'm not all too sure why the tears came, but I know it was a mix of feelings. I have hoped for a while now that maybe someday I would at least understand why it seemed I recieved this "about face" from this friend if not an apology; but I never thought it would really happen because 1. A lot of people in my life don't apologize to me and 2. This friend, or as I have precieved them until tonight, was a part of this group that never apologized for what they believed even if that delivery is painful.
So when the apology came, part of my head was thinking for several minutes "you're dreaming or dillussional, this isn't happening , wake up and listen to the actual words" Another part was thinking "Really? You saw it? It wasn't just me?" and "oh my gosh, she not only noticed but cares enough to bring it up...I mean at least that much to her, oh my gosh".
I don't know if my friend will ever read this, but it really, really, really meant so much to me. I can't even really verbalize what it meant or how valued and special I felt because of it. It kinda filled in that uncomfortable space I have felt between us. It was kind of like a small miracle to me. Thank you friend, to borrow something you kinda said to me once, my life is incomplete without you in it, love you.
We talked about our lives the past year or so, what has gone on and where we currently are; and just (or at least I felt on my part) sharing life honestly and openly. And in the middle of this sharing the happenings of our lives, my friend apologized to me for her part in some painful situations I found myself in last year up until a few months ago. It rather surprised me but when I heard her apologize, tears almost immediately started streaming. I'm not all too sure why the tears came, but I know it was a mix of feelings. I have hoped for a while now that maybe someday I would at least understand why it seemed I recieved this "about face" from this friend if not an apology; but I never thought it would really happen because 1. A lot of people in my life don't apologize to me and 2. This friend, or as I have precieved them until tonight, was a part of this group that never apologized for what they believed even if that delivery is painful.
So when the apology came, part of my head was thinking for several minutes "you're dreaming or dillussional, this isn't happening , wake up and listen to the actual words" Another part was thinking "Really? You saw it? It wasn't just me?" and "oh my gosh, she not only noticed but cares enough to bring it up...I mean at least that much to her, oh my gosh".
I don't know if my friend will ever read this, but it really, really, really meant so much to me. I can't even really verbalize what it meant or how valued and special I felt because of it. It kinda filled in that uncomfortable space I have felt between us. It was kind of like a small miracle to me. Thank you friend, to borrow something you kinda said to me once, my life is incomplete without you in it, love you.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Today
Today has been a hard day. I feel so incapable of facing the challenges and obstacles that are in the future, or even right now. School is stressing me out today, I don't (and haven't known) what I'm going to do after graduation beyond getting some sort of job to begin paying off my loans while I am taking the year off from school, I don't know how to combine the stories of my life into one for the stupid paper that is due Thursday, I don't know how to deal with the fact that said stupid paper is bringing up a lot of crap again.
Though there have been some GREAT things that has happened over the summer and so far this semester, today, I felt like when bad shit happens it all comes at once. And I can't do it. It is hard enough to deal with going to school (and actually trying to pass) as well as trying to deal with the fact that the only man I have ever trusted is not here to help me or give me advice (like how the hell do you deal with having two damn stories and still be ok).....I can't also take on what I'm going to do next semester. Can I PLEASE just figure that out then?
Tonight (as well as somewhat this morning), I realized the catch 22 of believing in God. Believe in God, great Dale is in heaven now and happy; but if you believe in God (or at least the God Church talks about) God is supposed to be "sovereign" so...yeah...basically, I got mad at God tonight (wether He did it or let it happen) I got mad that God let Dale die now...it sucks that He didn't/couldn't/whateve make it wait a year or too. I know that sounds sooo selfish right now, but I need Dale to tell me how he dealt with his two stories and not just for this paper.
I really don't feel strong right now, and would love to go back to my "drug" right now (probably would get an awesome "high") but it won't bring him back (unless I have some dilussion, but then I need help), and it won't make life less stressful, or the expectations of those around me go away; nor will it really make me any stronger (even though I may feel stronger).
14 days left....why does 3 months feel like an eternity....quiting sounds like a GREAT idea right now.
BUT
I have to give some props. I know I've already said this to you, but Em, thanks for being there today, and even though I didn't (or don't think I did) tell you all this; it helped for that little bit to feel not so completely alone (even though I was at the time stressing myself out to the point of panic and a migrain). I love you, I couldn't have faced today without you.
Though there have been some GREAT things that has happened over the summer and so far this semester, today, I felt like when bad shit happens it all comes at once. And I can't do it. It is hard enough to deal with going to school (and actually trying to pass) as well as trying to deal with the fact that the only man I have ever trusted is not here to help me or give me advice (like how the hell do you deal with having two damn stories and still be ok).....I can't also take on what I'm going to do next semester. Can I PLEASE just figure that out then?
Tonight (as well as somewhat this morning), I realized the catch 22 of believing in God. Believe in God, great Dale is in heaven now and happy; but if you believe in God (or at least the God Church talks about) God is supposed to be "sovereign" so...yeah...basically, I got mad at God tonight (wether He did it or let it happen) I got mad that God let Dale die now...it sucks that He didn't/couldn't/whateve make it wait a year or too. I know that sounds sooo selfish right now, but I need Dale to tell me how he dealt with his two stories and not just for this paper.
I really don't feel strong right now, and would love to go back to my "drug" right now (probably would get an awesome "high") but it won't bring him back (unless I have some dilussion, but then I need help), and it won't make life less stressful, or the expectations of those around me go away; nor will it really make me any stronger (even though I may feel stronger).
14 days left....why does 3 months feel like an eternity....quiting sounds like a GREAT idea right now.
BUT
I have to give some props. I know I've already said this to you, but Em, thanks for being there today, and even though I didn't (or don't think I did) tell you all this; it helped for that little bit to feel not so completely alone (even though I was at the time stressing myself out to the point of panic and a migrain). I love you, I couldn't have faced today without you.
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