To get what I crave will mean destroying msyelf...yet...giving in, just a little, gives me a high beyond belief. You don't understand how this brings me peace and joy and comfort because to you it only brings the desire to pushing it away. Even as it destroys me, I embrace it and cherish it and mourn when it leaves.
My battle is not "is this healthy or not" it's "Can I sacrifice myself so I can get what I desire". It's a battle of control in some ways, in others not. It's the euphoric sense as my mind embraces it's love all the while knowing at any moment she can consume by it and be destroyed; yet my mind craves her embrace.
Friends from all sides warn "Don't play with her" and ask why I in their minds "play with her", but she's my minds love and when she is happy so's my mind; when she is pissed my mind is tormented. The only greater love for my mind is one that only risks faster destruction, and when he is there, the world disappears, reason vanishes, and peace provails....then he leaves....she leaves and reason returns and I see my failure and am shamed; but still long for their return.
Right now is a time of craving, a time with every cell in my body craves, my one focus. But I can't focus on this, not right now.....
:-(
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