One day

This doesn't feel finished, but after the last line, I just feel like crying; so here is it


My heart flutters and breaks at the thought of you
My arms long to hold you,
To take your pain away
And show you a better way.

I hear you crying in the night
And I wish with with all my might
That I could change this sight

I love you and I don't even know you,
But I pray one day to meet you.

Part 2

Ok so part two started on the way home while I was trying to processing part 1. I was listening to my ipod and the song perfect my simple plan came on; this got me thinking about family stressers and I started crying (again).



My dad used to be my hero, and I used to be is "Angel"; but now we don't really even have a relationship. I'm currently trying to forgive him for not seeming to care enough to respect my request not to be disrespectful in somethings he says; and I am trying to figure out a way to show him how I believe Jesus would respond; but that's hard. I want to yell at him. I want to tell him he's stupid and hateful and a hypocrite.
I'm still really hurt right now, so I will leave most of my thoughts to the song. but yea

part 1

So this must be the weekend of thinking and blogging and crying. I have two things on my mind right now and even though both thoughts are kinda connected I'm going to split them into two blogs and I am going to do them chronologically. The first one is about the topic talked about in church today.
The scripture that got me thinking was Ephesians 1:4-5 "Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advanced to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."
Ok so after he read this Mike, the pastor, gave the example of parents choosing and adopting a kid and by the fact of adoption the parents are kinda telling the kid that they are wanted by the parents. Despite popular belief, I understand the concept of adoption because I am adopted, I just don't understand my parents view of not learning where I came from; but when I heard Mike's example of God's thing with people, the thought "we chose you and want you until you're gay" came to mind. That's sort of how I feel it is with my dad. But after this thought came to my mind I kinda wrote out a prayer that basically told God that in Romans he says that nothing can make him not love people but I asked him if he was like my dad in that, even though he loves me (assumed), does he want me cuz I'm gay.
That is one of the things that I'm trying to figure out now. I guess obviously part of me has been thinking, God might be cool and he might love me, but does he really want me like I am?

The Image

Tonight I went out dancing with Nicole, a couple of her friends, and Kirstyn. It was fun. I found out (by experience) that one of Nicole's friends can read people; and toward the end of the night she read me.
She said my problem is in my head (that's old news heh), she said that I have this image of me that I can't get past and that I project it on to others to where I think that is what they see. But she says that what she saw was all love. When she first started talking I thought of the idea that I am hiding from a lot of people, but then when she said that the image is something that I think others see; a very specific image came to mind and I broke down crying right there in front of everyone (and if you know me, that is horrible for me). I got an image of -her-.
When I look at me, I see the hate, the violence, the lies....I see -her-. And even though in my head I know am not and hopefully never will be -her-, and that I am loving and compassionate, and tender hearted, and would give my life to save others.....somewhere deep inside I don't believe it yet. I guess a part of me keeps thinking that I am just wearing this loving mask, but that underneath I'm angry and hateful and violent and disgusting and an addict and a seductive whore and...just over all evil.
When this image came to my mind I instantly got nauseated and I wanted to purge this image from my body....and that is why I am writing right now, because if I quit using my hands...well... I have a goal and if I can use this distraction to help me get through this night so that maybe I can reach that goal, I will. But it's not easy, I wish I knew how to make this image go away and to see myself the way my friends do.

Goals for 2011

Ok so I was reading my friend Lauren's blog a second ago and she asked a couple questions, one more serious the other more for fun. I think I'm going to try to answer them here because I need something to occupy my screaming mind at the moment.

Question 1: "what are my new years resolutions/goals for 2011?"
Question 2: "what are some of your favorite movies"

Going against my normal flow of things I am answering question 2 first.

My favorite movies




My all time favorite non-Disney movie would be the Anne of Green Gables series (you can't split them up). The reason I love these movies so much is because in a lot of ways I find myself relating to Anne. She has a huge imagination and when given the chance to basically start her life over again seems to try to escape her life and her past by imagining a new one; but in time she finds and opens herself up to love, family, friends, and crazy adventures. Anne maybe a girl but that doesn't limit who she is or what she can or will accomplish. This story just really inspires me to dream, dream beyond reality even with that reality staring me in the face; and to try to forget one's faults and mistakes because, as quoted from the movie, "tomorrow is always new, with no mistakes in it".

Aladdin is my favorite Disney movie. In short I love Aladdin. He is alone in the world but dreams of a better life and of a future love. And on the plus side I the adventure and kicking the bad guy's butt. :-D

Ok now on to question 1. My goals for this year.

1. Make it to 6:30 p.m on June 26, 2011. Anyone reading this should know what I mean by this goal, and if you don't read my previous blog. But if I make it to this goal it will mark for me what I consider to be my first personal accomplishment that I have complete for me and not because it was expected of me. And I think I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to make it to this date, not because it's unhealthy or anything like that; but because it's a goal I have had now for a year and a half; and maybe if I accomplish it I can start to believe that I can really succeed at something.

2. Get a Job. That pretty much says it. I hope by the end of the year that I can find a job where I can use my degree, but for now, I just need any job. I really feel like a bum without one.

3. Get back on my exercise/nutrition plan. Hey just fyi, this is the first time I didn't call it a diet, go me. But for serious, when I was working out (or doing something active, like running around campus doing stuff for school), I felt better. And it gave me time to practice being nice to myself because this area has always been a hard place for me where the lines of healthy and abuse became blurred.

4. Give myself a break. All my life I have ruled my life with expectations, should's and should not's, but rarely have I ever really stepped back and asked "what do I want?" Or "what is good for me?" I have always thought it was selfish to do that. But earlier this year I resigned from the position I held at my old church, and I have decided that I am really going to try to...I guess see myself as my own ministry for now. To get to know me, what I like and don't like. What I believe and don't believe and why. And to find dreams that I can have that aren't dependent on whether or not I hide from others, or what they say or thing; but dreams that are based on my passions. In other words, just re-defining my dreams so that they are less dependent on others and more dependent on my desire to see my passions fulfilled.

Ok that's it for now. Thanks Lauren for the idea, and thank you for all your support and encouragement, I hope that you are right.

I just re-read a psyc article that a year ago had inspired me and given me hope for my personal future. 2 hours ago, I made to again to 7 months without hurting. When I first realized this (about 2 and a half hours ago while in old navy waiting for my friend Kirstyn who was trying on clothes), I got super excited; but now, I wonder if I have what it takes. If I will repeat the events of last year....aka...falling on my ass at the 10 1/2 mark because I can't take the pressure. I'm scared that as the article I read says, that I don't have enought perservance to really truly make it to a year.
So now, I'm going to write because I don't know what else to do. I'm going to write the reasons that I wanted to quit last year, and hopefully what will get me through this year.

Reasons

1. I have a degree in psychology, and one day dream of helping young people learn how to live life and deal with their life problems with healthy and safe coping mechanisms. And self-injury is not classified as one of those safe options.

2. I want to learn to end the violence and to begin loving myself for me, not for what I do, or don't do, or how I look; but for who I am...good and the bad.

3. I want to be a good example to "my kids" aka my niece and nephew.

4. One day I hope to have kids, and I want to show them that one can understand and deal with their emotions and life difficulties without hurting themselves. I do not want to pass this curse onto my kids.

If it is to be believed, I am a second generation self-injurer. I'm still working on forging -her-, and it hurts every time when i think about all of out similarities; and sometimes it's hard to like myself because of those similarities. But I want to start something new with my kids. I want my kids to know a life of love and hope and to have a place where they feel safe to come and talk even if I don't aggree with them or if they are in trouble. But how can I teach them to love themselfs if I don't know how to love myself? I thought maybe if I could stop hurting and be as merciful to myself when I screw up as my friends are to me; then maybe I could learn first to appreciate myself flaws and all and then learn to love who I am even if sometiems I make big mistakes.

As I said, right now, I have a small voice in my head that says "you won't make it. You may make it to 10 1/2 months but you will never make it to year"

Right now I wish I had called Dale 9 months ago when I first screwed up again, because he would have reminded me that even thought I don't believe him, he still believes I am Gideon and that even though I was extremely disappointed myelf for failing again, that I was not a failure and that he believed I could really do it, I could make it to my goal the next time.

I might have believed him.....

This song has kinda been like my song lately. Especially these lines: "So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground I've had enough, now I'm so fed up Time to put my life back together right now!"
The last several months I have felt obligated to do so much; to graduate, to be a good leader at church, to grieve, to be strong for Renee...in short to be faithful to everyone and everything else. I thought to say I can't do that or to try to just focus on me would be selfish and being unfaithful. But tonight, over coffee my friend Lauren echoed what I think my heart as been trying to tell me. I am not faithful, because I go to church every week or because I do all the right things...I'm faithful becuase it's in me...I am consisent, thorough in what I do, and trusted in my commitments. But the other thing my friend pointed out, is that I can't give anything to anyone without first investing in myself so that I have something to give away.
I just messaged my friend my planned resignation from my leadership at church. I need to show myself that I am valuable enough to deserve being a priority, to deserve some of my faithfulness being directed toward myself.

I don't have to be perfect, but I have to be true to me.

So here goes

I love my cousin Tanya. She would definitely fall into the "weird Christian" category, because she is really religious/spiritual yet I have not met many have has the vast amount of love and compassion that she does. It's usually a given that when I am around her, I cry at least once because of the value that I feel when I am around her. And today is no different. We were talking on IM about religion her believes, others beliefs that we don't quite understand, my beliefs or lack there of and in the middle of it she said that her and my cousin Daylan and her kids would always love me. And as dumb as it may sound, it made me cry. When I read those words my mind flashed back to coming out to her over IM (while basically having a panic attack), to the time when I told her why I couldn't come visit Chicago the first time, to the other times of talking to her when thoughts of knives were in my head; and all I can say about any of that was she has always surprised me with the love and grace that she has given me.
She's really cool.