For the last two or three months I have been asking myself what the purpose of recovery was. Trying to understand logically why I should continue to fight the continuous battles of my mind; and I couldn't find the answer.
For the first time that I remember, although triggered and driven in part by intense emotional pain, I cut under the guidance of a strategic plan. Though urged to do more than I did; my reasoning that the purpose of venting the emotional pain over-ruled the desire to continue...as I said it felt strategic, too planned, almost like I was telling someone else and not myself what to do and how much. I felt the pain, but somewhere between thinking of the idea of making an emotional vent and actually doing so, I disconnected; and that felt weird. After I cut, somewhere in the back of my mind I felt myself say that recovery, fighting wasn't worth it...specially not if maybe I could produce the strategic disconnection again.
But while writing my last blog post, I thought of a possible reason for recovery. For love, and not really for a person...but maybe if I give up hope for recovery and if I learn to just disconnect..maybe I would loose the ability to feel love. And if this happened, I would loose the one dream that I have. And that dream is the one thing that has survived the earthquake of my life this past year.
So...I don't know if I can do it. And maybe, as I heard once, recovery will mean screwing up at times (as long as I can get back up and fight again); and I know that trying again means I will again engage the battle that may never end....*heh*..I used to not want to feel, and when it hurts to much...I still wish that; but I enjoy the good feelings. The feeling I get when my nephew gives me a hug, just because he loves me. Or the excitement of waiting for someone to arrive at a coffee shop so that I could buy the a coffee just because I had the money and because I loved them. I don't want to risk not feeling those good things. So for that reason, I'm going to try again. It's scary because it means I have to face the pain without a vent; and I don't know how to do that, or who or where to go to where I can feel safe enough to cry and feel pain without being overwhelmed by the urge to stop fighting. I'm going to try again, I have to, for me, because I like feeling good and happy.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I do have a dream
For months, I have thought that all my dreams I once had had been lost to me. But yesterday, as I watched the movie letters to Juliet as well as while I watched bicentennial man tonight, I realized that I still cling tightly to one dream. A dream that I am not all too sure will have the chance of coming true.
I dream of falling in love and to have that love reciprocated. All my life, I've been afraid to become close, or too close, emotionally to anyone because I know in my heart that I will loose them....one way or the other. But to fall in love, to love and be loved by someone; I would gladly accept the pain of loosing them because I would at least have the comfort that I had possessed their love.
That is my dream....to find someone who I would cross oceans for, for whom I could give my all to and not fear being rejected or receiving no love in return. I want to find someone who I can cuddle close to on winter nights, someone I can write poems for, or to sing stupid songs to just so that I can see them smile. To find someone who I could sit in silence for hours with and be completely happy.
This is the survivor of finding reality in my life. This is the hope I felt for the future but for which I couldn't define, to say what I was hoping for.
I dream of falling in love and to have that love reciprocated. All my life, I've been afraid to become close, or too close, emotionally to anyone because I know in my heart that I will loose them....one way or the other. But to fall in love, to love and be loved by someone; I would gladly accept the pain of loosing them because I would at least have the comfort that I had possessed their love.
That is my dream....to find someone who I would cross oceans for, for whom I could give my all to and not fear being rejected or receiving no love in return. I want to find someone who I can cuddle close to on winter nights, someone I can write poems for, or to sing stupid songs to just so that I can see them smile. To find someone who I could sit in silence for hours with and be completely happy.
This is the survivor of finding reality in my life. This is the hope I felt for the future but for which I couldn't define, to say what I was hoping for.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Endorphin High
I'm currently coming off an endorphin high. It's probably the best high ever; of course it would be better if it would last longer, but yeah a really long natural high has only really happened to me a couple times in my life so I didn't expect it.
Yeah, currently think I like being high more. heh
Yeah, currently think I like being high more. heh
Sunday, May 23, 2010
I'm fine....
Today felt like I was back in Korea again (7 years ago). Seven years ago, my grandmother on my father's side died while my parents and I were in Europe. When we got home from that trip, we had three days to go through the service and all then we had to pack up and leave to go to Korea to see one of my exchange students....and my mother told me that I couldn't be sad or cry while in Korea, that I had to be happy for my exchange student Annie. Well, when I broke down yesterday, a friend (kinda) told me I had to be strong for Renee and "the family"; so I shoved it all down so I would stop crying...and I haven't cried since. I feel the lump of emotion and pain that I felt seven years ago only it's 10 times more painful because the pain is for a man that I loved and respected like a father. Dale and I had the kind of relationship that I dreamed a father and daughter should have; and I know (at least from what he said) that he saw me as a daughter.
Tonight, at church, I had to keep swallowing the lump of pain because I told myself this morning that I wouldn't cry tonight, that I would be strong...even if it killed me. Well tonight, my friends at church kept talking about Seinfeld, which was Dale's favorite TV show, so every time it was mentioned I had to swallow the pain all over again; because I didn't want to cry...not today.
I'm scared to cry. I'm scared 1. because I need to be there for Rae. And if I am crying I can't be strong for her. And 2. I'm scared if I let myself cry that I will break down again and that maybe next time I won't be able to stop it.
Right now, I'm still halfway pretending that I can just pick up the phone and call him and that I just don't want to. I feel guilty about the last conversation he and I had, because I told him then that I didn't trust God and that I didn't know if God was good....so the last thing (besides his voice mail) that I heard him say was that although he loved me, he was concerned for me; and I never updated him on my life since then. So I feel guilty thinking that he died worrying about me and that maybe somehow I had let him down and disappointed him. I also feel bad that before I found out, I hadn't talked to Rae (really) in about two weeks because I felt really hurt by something she had told me and didn't have the guts to tell her that she hurt me...which was kinda weird because I have always told Dale and Renee everything basically, but I couldn't tell her that. And then after I broke down, I felt/feel bad, that I couldn't/can't be the strong one that she needs me to be. So basically right now there is a lot of guilt, shame, and just overall pain and sadness. ....Dale was the one man in my life that I felt completely safe with. I could tell him anything, and basically did; my fears, dreams, failures, and victories. He was the only man that I could hug and not feel uncomfortable by; or the only one that I would/could let hold me for any real length of time.
I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to hate myself because all the things I feel guilty for add up to numerous "failures"; and failing Dale and Renee can't be acceptable....they were as they always said my "spiritual parents" and I love/d them as such. It hurts SO much, but I don't feel I can really express that; and I don't know what to do or say to Rae...she just lost her husband. I'm scared if I don't get it out that the pain will never go away; but if I am trying to be strong for Rae by not crying or breaking down...that leaves one option for getting it out, and that doesn't really get it out it just puts the pain on pause for a minute or two. I'm also scared that I will never be able to sleep again without sleeping pills. I'm am holding it all in, being strong, tell you that "I'm fine"..but I will only say this once, I'm not ok
Ok, I feel like talking in circles. So I will go.
Tonight, at church, I had to keep swallowing the lump of pain because I told myself this morning that I wouldn't cry tonight, that I would be strong...even if it killed me. Well tonight, my friends at church kept talking about Seinfeld, which was Dale's favorite TV show, so every time it was mentioned I had to swallow the pain all over again; because I didn't want to cry...not today.
I'm scared to cry. I'm scared 1. because I need to be there for Rae. And if I am crying I can't be strong for her. And 2. I'm scared if I let myself cry that I will break down again and that maybe next time I won't be able to stop it.
Right now, I'm still halfway pretending that I can just pick up the phone and call him and that I just don't want to. I feel guilty about the last conversation he and I had, because I told him then that I didn't trust God and that I didn't know if God was good....so the last thing (besides his voice mail) that I heard him say was that although he loved me, he was concerned for me; and I never updated him on my life since then. So I feel guilty thinking that he died worrying about me and that maybe somehow I had let him down and disappointed him. I also feel bad that before I found out, I hadn't talked to Rae (really) in about two weeks because I felt really hurt by something she had told me and didn't have the guts to tell her that she hurt me...which was kinda weird because I have always told Dale and Renee everything basically, but I couldn't tell her that. And then after I broke down, I felt/feel bad, that I couldn't/can't be the strong one that she needs me to be. So basically right now there is a lot of guilt, shame, and just overall pain and sadness. ....Dale was the one man in my life that I felt completely safe with. I could tell him anything, and basically did; my fears, dreams, failures, and victories. He was the only man that I could hug and not feel uncomfortable by; or the only one that I would/could let hold me for any real length of time.
I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to hate myself because all the things I feel guilty for add up to numerous "failures"; and failing Dale and Renee can't be acceptable....they were as they always said my "spiritual parents" and I love/d them as such. It hurts SO much, but I don't feel I can really express that; and I don't know what to do or say to Rae...she just lost her husband. I'm scared if I don't get it out that the pain will never go away; but if I am trying to be strong for Rae by not crying or breaking down...that leaves one option for getting it out, and that doesn't really get it out it just puts the pain on pause for a minute or two. I'm also scared that I will never be able to sleep again without sleeping pills. I'm am holding it all in, being strong, tell you that "I'm fine"..but I will only say this once, I'm not ok
Ok, I feel like talking in circles. So I will go.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
why does it seem that I always loose the things and people that make me feel safe and loved? Its not fair. What the fuck did I ever do?
This past year has been both my most shitty years as well as my most hopeful and happy years. I finally started coming to terms with who I am and seeing hope for dreams that I never thought were possible. But also this year, I have had my heart ripped out of my chest over and over again.
around 5 today, I had one of those "rip your heart out" moments; and after that I laid down on the couch and watched girl int erupted all the while wondering who or what will be the next thing I loose. Then I thought maybe I should just cut everyone off that I love; so then, when I loose them it won't hurt so bad. But then I remembered my two years of hell and know that even if I detach from everyone else there is still one person that it would kill me if I tried to pull too far away. So then I thought, maybe I would just pull away from everyone except this one person and pray that I don't loose them any time soon.
I want to get away right now, I want to be able to just tune everything out for a couple minutes and be in a world where all my loved ones are safe and happy...a place where pain and recovery aren't opposite of each other, a place where I can smile or cry or yell and no one will care, a place where I can love and be loved, a place where I can be me and not loose something because of it.
though the movie was meant to be a distraction, it didn't do anything for me. There is still just one thing on my mind; the only reason it is still delayed is because I am kinda ambivalent toward the idea. On the one hand, there's recovery which I don't see much point in right now. On the other, there is release, 5 minutes of freedom, but...it's only five minutes.
This past year has been both my most shitty years as well as my most hopeful and happy years. I finally started coming to terms with who I am and seeing hope for dreams that I never thought were possible. But also this year, I have had my heart ripped out of my chest over and over again.
around 5 today, I had one of those "rip your heart out" moments; and after that I laid down on the couch and watched girl int erupted all the while wondering who or what will be the next thing I loose. Then I thought maybe I should just cut everyone off that I love; so then, when I loose them it won't hurt so bad. But then I remembered my two years of hell and know that even if I detach from everyone else there is still one person that it would kill me if I tried to pull too far away. So then I thought, maybe I would just pull away from everyone except this one person and pray that I don't loose them any time soon.
I want to get away right now, I want to be able to just tune everything out for a couple minutes and be in a world where all my loved ones are safe and happy...a place where pain and recovery aren't opposite of each other, a place where I can smile or cry or yell and no one will care, a place where I can love and be loved, a place where I can be me and not loose something because of it.
though the movie was meant to be a distraction, it didn't do anything for me. There is still just one thing on my mind; the only reason it is still delayed is because I am kinda ambivalent toward the idea. On the one hand, there's recovery which I don't see much point in right now. On the other, there is release, 5 minutes of freedom, but...it's only five minutes.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Nine more days and I will reach a month; but I still don't know how I feel about it. I don't want...well I don't know what I really want. I don't know which was better, the desire now or the desire after several months....they both feel the same to me. I know I am being selfish right now and that that pisses some people off; but sometimes I don't see the point. A friend told me a while back that the point of fighting, the point of recovery, is so that I didn't loose myself. But...it seems like I can't really be me anyway except for just a few situations or with certain people. So, part of me wants to believe that hiding one more part can't kill me; that I can always try starting recovery again when I can finally be me and not just half me. Of course there is that side of me that thinks "Well, what if you can't stop then?"
I don't know. maybe I'm just being an idiot right now.
I don't know. maybe I'm just being an idiot right now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
midnight ramblings
thought 1:
all day there has been this undercurrent of worry moving in the back of my mind, and it wasn't until about an hour ago that I identified that feeling. Worried about myself, school, the future, my dreams, my friends, and even my family.
Thought 2:
This past weekend I began seeing the circle of pain that has pretty much been my life; but most of my life I thought that there was just one culprit...only now to see that we all contributed. And it hurts me to think about and see the pain I know they experience...and it hurts worse knowing that part of that pain was at my hands or by my actions or whatever. Even though part of me wants to say that they deserve whatever pain I might cause them in the future because of the pain they knowingly or unknowingly caused; there is another part of me that desperately wants to protect them from any more pain. Of course, that side of me causes me pain because the idea of hiding longer hurts. The protective side of me wants to hide, til they are gone...but the other side...I want them to know me; but all they have ever truly known is what they want me to be, because that is the person I have tried to be. Every time I have tried to be honest and let the mask down, somehow I end up taking the blame...because they get hurt; and in that blame I find hurt and guilt and shame. I'm scared for them to go before they really know me because all my life they have told me that they love me and they were the first ones to fight for me...but at the same time....I don't want to cause them more pain; plus I'm scared that the truth...even if only part of the truth will bring about the only thing I truly fear....their forfeit of love and their rejection.
Thought 3:
It's this feeling, worry mixed with pain and fear...these feelings have no true release for me....even crying really doesn't help. A decision needs to be made tonight, which I don't think I can make consciously...the decision to fight or to find my release. The reason I can answer this consciously is because I honestly don't think I have the willpower to fight. I'm not as strong as I try to pretend I am.
all day there has been this undercurrent of worry moving in the back of my mind, and it wasn't until about an hour ago that I identified that feeling. Worried about myself, school, the future, my dreams, my friends, and even my family.
Thought 2:
This past weekend I began seeing the circle of pain that has pretty much been my life; but most of my life I thought that there was just one culprit...only now to see that we all contributed. And it hurts me to think about and see the pain I know they experience...and it hurts worse knowing that part of that pain was at my hands or by my actions or whatever. Even though part of me wants to say that they deserve whatever pain I might cause them in the future because of the pain they knowingly or unknowingly caused; there is another part of me that desperately wants to protect them from any more pain. Of course, that side of me causes me pain because the idea of hiding longer hurts. The protective side of me wants to hide, til they are gone...but the other side...I want them to know me; but all they have ever truly known is what they want me to be, because that is the person I have tried to be. Every time I have tried to be honest and let the mask down, somehow I end up taking the blame...because they get hurt; and in that blame I find hurt and guilt and shame. I'm scared for them to go before they really know me because all my life they have told me that they love me and they were the first ones to fight for me...but at the same time....I don't want to cause them more pain; plus I'm scared that the truth...even if only part of the truth will bring about the only thing I truly fear....their forfeit of love and their rejection.
Thought 3:
It's this feeling, worry mixed with pain and fear...these feelings have no true release for me....even crying really doesn't help. A decision needs to be made tonight, which I don't think I can make consciously...the decision to fight or to find my release. The reason I can answer this consciously is because I honestly don't think I have the willpower to fight. I'm not as strong as I try to pretend I am.
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