thought 1:
all day there has been this undercurrent of worry moving in the back of my mind, and it wasn't until about an hour ago that I identified that feeling. Worried about myself, school, the future, my dreams, my friends, and even my family.
Thought 2:
This past weekend I began seeing the circle of pain that has pretty much been my life; but most of my life I thought that there was just one culprit...only now to see that we all contributed. And it hurts me to think about and see the pain I know they experience...and it hurts worse knowing that part of that pain was at my hands or by my actions or whatever. Even though part of me wants to say that they deserve whatever pain I might cause them in the future because of the pain they knowingly or unknowingly caused; there is another part of me that desperately wants to protect them from any more pain. Of course, that side of me causes me pain because the idea of hiding longer hurts. The protective side of me wants to hide, til they are gone...but the other side...I want them to know me; but all they have ever truly known is what they want me to be, because that is the person I have tried to be. Every time I have tried to be honest and let the mask down, somehow I end up taking the blame...because they get hurt; and in that blame I find hurt and guilt and shame. I'm scared for them to go before they really know me because all my life they have told me that they love me and they were the first ones to fight for me...but at the same time....I don't want to cause them more pain; plus I'm scared that the truth...even if only part of the truth will bring about the only thing I truly fear....their forfeit of love and their rejection.
Thought 3:
It's this feeling, worry mixed with pain and fear...these feelings have no true release for me....even crying really doesn't help. A decision needs to be made tonight, which I don't think I can make consciously...the decision to fight or to find my release. The reason I can answer this consciously is because I honestly don't think I have the willpower to fight. I'm not as strong as I try to pretend I am.
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