I'm fine....

Today felt like I was back in Korea again (7 years ago). Seven years ago, my grandmother on my father's side died while my parents and I were in Europe. When we got home from that trip, we had three days to go through the service and all then we had to pack up and leave to go to Korea to see one of my exchange students....and my mother told me that I couldn't be sad or cry while in Korea, that I had to be happy for my exchange student Annie. Well, when I broke down yesterday, a friend (kinda) told me I had to be strong for Renee and "the family"; so I shoved it all down so I would stop crying...and I haven't cried since. I feel the lump of emotion and pain that I felt seven years ago only it's 10 times more painful because the pain is for a man that I loved and respected like a father. Dale and I had the kind of relationship that I dreamed a father and daughter should have; and I know (at least from what he said) that he saw me as a daughter.
Tonight, at church, I had to keep swallowing the lump of pain because I told myself this morning that I wouldn't cry tonight, that I would be strong...even if it killed me. Well tonight, my friends at church kept talking about Seinfeld, which was Dale's favorite TV show, so every time it was mentioned I had to swallow the pain all over again; because I didn't want to cry...not today.
I'm scared to cry. I'm scared 1. because I need to be there for Rae. And if I am crying I can't be strong for her. And 2. I'm scared if I let myself cry that I will break down again and that maybe next time I won't be able to stop it.
Right now, I'm still halfway pretending that I can just pick up the phone and call him and that I just don't want to. I feel guilty about the last conversation he and I had, because I told him then that I didn't trust God and that I didn't know if God was good....so the last thing (besides his voice mail) that I heard him say was that although he loved me, he was concerned for me; and I never updated him on my life since then. So I feel guilty thinking that he died worrying about me and that maybe somehow I had let him down and disappointed him. I also feel bad that before I found out, I hadn't talked to Rae (really) in about two weeks because I felt really hurt by something she had told me and didn't have the guts to tell her that she hurt me...which was kinda weird because I have always told Dale and Renee everything basically, but I couldn't tell her that. And then after I broke down, I felt/feel bad, that I couldn't/can't be the strong one that she needs me to be. So basically right now there is a lot of guilt, shame, and just overall pain and sadness. ....Dale was the one man in my life that I felt completely safe with. I could tell him anything, and basically did; my fears, dreams, failures, and victories. He was the only man that I could hug and not feel uncomfortable by; or the only one that I would/could let hold me for any real length of time.
I don't know what to do right now. Part of me wants to hate myself because all the things I feel guilty for add up to numerous "failures"; and failing Dale and Renee can't be acceptable....they were as they always said my "spiritual parents" and I love/d them as such. It hurts SO much, but I don't feel I can really express that; and I don't know what to do or say to Rae...she just lost her husband. I'm scared if I don't get it out that the pain will never go away; but if I am trying to be strong for Rae by not crying or breaking down...that leaves one option for getting it out, and that doesn't really get it out it just puts the pain on pause for a minute or two. I'm also scared that I will never be able to sleep again without sleeping pills. I'm am holding it all in, being strong, tell you that "I'm fine"..but I will only say this once, I'm not ok
Ok, I feel like talking in circles. So I will go.