I believe that after that first experience with -it- you are never truly free again, even if you never do -it- again, -its- alway in your head after that point.

it's like Susanna said about suicide in girl interupted...once it's in your head, its always there, it keeps popping up. (this is not about suicide, it's just the example in my head)

You may go long periods without thinking about -it- or craving it, and you may never do it again; but I don't think you will ever get away from the voice....that thing that tells you that this situation would be easier with -it- / -him- or that you need -it-/-him- or telling you when you pick up something similar, how easy it would be to make it -it- and how it then would free the unspoken things inside that you can't say.

But even if you "remain rational" and tell yourself that -it- won't do anything, -it- will just make you more ashamed, and withdraw from the world, your support system, what you have left of friends...more than you already are doing because of the shame that -it's- still in your head, you still think about it sometimes, utterly crave it at others......even after all that, -it- will still be there, baggering you, haunting you.

You are never free again, you  are always fighting....unless you give in to the voice and relapse and not come back out...but then you are just a slave to -it- and not to the fight of trying to get it to shut the hell up.

And no, for any of my friends that read this, I am not thinking about -it- as in I am craving -it-, just thinking.  And thinking if I ever got the courage to be open about -it-, this is what I would want to say to anyone who would listen....don't ever start, because as much as you don't feel free and ok now, it just gets worse with -it-.  You may hate yourself now, but you will hate yourself even more with -it-, because wether you know it now or not, -it- brings with it shame because it's in your life; and that shame won't ever really go away because -it- marked you, you may not see the mark, but it's there.  So don't ever start....find another way there has to be another way.  I know other ways, kinda, but I don't know other ways that aren't tainted by -it-, I don't know what it's like to do other things first; but I hope you learn to................

I think I should have done this last night when I was feeling it, instead of letting my tiredness take over and it probably wouldn't sound so dumb now; but anyway, here we are.
Last night on the way home from work I was listening the the Randy Millet band (the band I was introduced to/learned about on spring break last year in New Orleans), and one of the songs is called God of Creation, and one of the lines in the song hit me last night.  It was "So I take back the land that You've given me".  When I heard this line it was almost like I felt God say that in God's eyes, the dreams and promises that God gave me became mine when He told me about them.  Like Abraham in the bible when God called him and told him about the "Promised land" that God was giving him, in God's eyes, it was Abraham's from the moment God told him it was coming...and it has stayed his (and his family), even when for a time they were down in Egypt...in God's eyes...basically squatter's rights don't apply, the land still belonged to His people.
So basically what I took away from last night.  I don't have to wait and hope for something to happen, and I can't, in God's legal system, take the world's stance (or sometimes the churches stance) and say to God that because I don't fit into the box that I have been taught I must fit into that I can't be used of God or that I can't have the ministry He says I will have.  In His eyes, I already have it, I just have to have my eyes opened enough to see where and when He is using me (another theme of the song).
And I know some of my readers aren't religious, but if I could say one thing, if you have dreams....whether you believe in God or religion or not, start living them...at least mentally and start looking for how they are coming to life in the life that you are living now.

Much love to everyone.
DERC