Ok for those of you who don't know, my plans for springbreak has taken an unexpected turn. I was planning on staying home alone and doing life as noral trying to find a job and all that; but now I will being going to New Orleans for a mission trip. I am not certain what we will be doing there, except helping where we can working with a local ministry down there.
I feel split at the moment. I am excited to go, to help and to spend time with friends that I normally don't get to spend a lot of time with; but at the same time, I am really nervous. Church trips have in the past have been typically hard for me.
I'm nervous for several reasons, all of which are related to the fact that "fitting into" the expectations of church groups and things isn't something I do well.
I found out yesterday that I was going to NO, then last night when I started getting nervous, I started thinking about bringing back up because I'm scared that I will at some point shut down, or have a panic attack...and I won't be able to make myself reach out to others. But, next Saturday is the 26th of march, 9 months...so I have decided not to bring my backup, the thing my brain is currently telling me is my only security. But I will bring my journal, and I will have my phone....I am scared, but I can do this. I can write, or try to...or maybe I can call someone and have them describe florida to me ;).
I can do this....I hope

I had a wonderful day today.
I spent the majority of the day with my two favorite little people in the world, my niece and nephew, Skyla and Ryder; during which time we played at the mall and shopped, then when to watch Gnomeo and Juliet (soo cute).
Then I came home, ate chicken nuggets and made coffee. Then went and hung out with some friends. Then spent an hour cuddling and playing with the hair of the most beautiful woman in the world (at least my world right now), even though she will not agree with me. Then came home, read some blogs, checked e-mail, and now posting a blog while listening to my dog bark about something.
but I would say it's been a great day

I want to find my princess. Someone who is beautiful and sweet yet strong and you can call me out on my crap...like when I am not completely honest because I'm scared of the reaction or because I want to be "tough". I want to find someone that I can romance, but that at the same time does romantic things for me at times. Someone I can have fun with, but who is also comfortable being quiet and cuddling. I would like someone with a sense of adverture, but that also knows where the line is between fun risky and just stupid.
If and when I find this person, they can know that number one on my list of priorities is to always respect them and treat them like the treasure they are. Also I hope they know that I'm all in, no back up plan. And if we take that next step to marriage, that I will cherish and be committed to them until the very end.

OK you know what? I think tonight I am going to try to be super nice to myself tonight because that's the last thing I want to do right now. But I think I am going to do it because if I was talking to someone who was in my position, I would tell them that even though they are really upset with themselves because life didn't go the way the thought it would and stuff, that that doesn't mean they are bad and that we all make mistakes....even big ones; but as Dale once told me, mistakes don't define you, failing/falling/messing up doesn't make you a failure...just means you screwed up. But you aren't perfect, no one can be...if it's meant to work out, then it will; if not...you need to learn to give yourself a break, forgive, and try to learn from it.
So that's where I think I am tonight.
I think I have a plan...
1. dinner, cuz I need to eat
2. a warm bath, with bubbles. While listening to soft music, maybe mozart or something(if I can find my portable cd player).
3. Coffee and watching Bones.
4. Maybe ended the night by journaling all my thoughts and feelings that I am dealing with right now.

I heard this song for the first time last night when a friend of mine played it for me. The first person that came to mind when I heard this song was Dale. Even though he is not my father; in a lot of ways he was the only real dad I ever knew. When I think of the father I have, I don't really see him as a dad....I mean, yea he provides food and shelter for me; but he isn't really a dad on the emotional level. For me, a lot of times, it feels more like he is something to defend my emotions and my emotional self from more than thinking we are connected emotionally.
But anyway, when I first hear the song I cried pretty much the whole song and for several minutes after the song had ended. I cried not just because it reminded me of Dale and he's is not here anymore; but because the song says that she is ready to do life on her own, that she doesn't need her dad anymore; but I don't feel like I can say that. I wish Dale was here now. I want to talk to him about this gorgeous girl I like and how the whole thing confuses the crap out of me because I want to respect her and respect what she wants; but feel like I'm getting mixed signals from her while at the same time fighting my urge to romance and I guess woo her. And even though I know Dale wouldn't necessarily like hearing about that and he would disagree and say that isn't the "path" I should be going down, I want to talk to him about it...because I still believe that even though he doesn't agree, he would listen because it's important to me. There are times I forget, and will pick up the phone to call him and tell him about my day or something funny that reminded me of him or to ask him something; but then remember than I can't. I don't feel like I am reading to "do life on my own".
Of course, per par with my post-Dale emotions, after I cried for the fact that I didn't think I was ready to live without him in my life; I cried because I can't say with certainity that if he were here now and knew about my life that he wouldn't hate me. Currently his wife (who is/was like a second mom to me) and I aren't really having the best of relationships; and a big part of that conflict started after I was real with her about my current place in life; and there is this little voice in my head that keeps telling me that if Dale was was here, he would follow suit with his wife; and that really, really hurts; because there is a part of me that kinda feels like in certain ways I have or am loosing any parental relationship I have ever had.
But anyway, even though it is a really sad song, it is also a very beautiful song and I am really glad my friend played it for me.

I wish I could tell you....

One day I will get out there to see him and say this. WARNING: This could possibly be triggering for those who have lost people.

Dear Daddy D:

I miss you sooo much. It's kinda funny, when I met you at 16...I told myself I would never let anyone really close enough to hurt me; and now 8 years later...I have only experienced the pain of loosing someone as close as you once in my life; but I got them back cuz the other person was Em and we started talking again. But we can't just start talking again, and that hurts really, really bad...sometimes I really don't know what to do without you here.
It seems like a ton has happened since you left. I'm not going to tell you about the first month after you left because it would make you sad. But after that, I finished my last semester of my undergrad, and designed and worked on this psychology project that might get published. I thought that was pretty cool; but it was also really hard because when I had to write the research paper, I had massive writers block and almost gave up and just quit school because I didn't think I could pass; but I did pass (not the paper, but overall).
After you left I told Rae that I have quit trying to be straight, it hurt too much trying and I was tired of coming home and crying for hours cuz it wasn't working. So I quit, and am just trying to focus on understanding God and like being honest with Him and we will see what happens. I don't think Rae took the news very well....her and I haven't talked much really since you left. It just doesn't feel right anymore...like I try to tell her something and it comes out wrong or something and she just doesn't get it, it almost feels like you were our translator and now we are trying to do it without an interpreter. I don't know how you could seemly understand so much about me, but somehow you could and I miss that. So yea, Rae and I don't talk much anymore; and part of me feels bad for that, cuz she's like a mom to me; but at the same time, when I'm around her and feel the tension between us I feel like its my fault and I don't know how to fix it...so I just stay away.
2011 has been interesting. as of right now, I have gone like 8 1/2 months without hurting; only 3 1/2 more til I make it to a year :D but sometimes it seems easier to just give in to it, I know it wont fix anything but yea...and it also kinda sucks that the year mark is in June because like all my friends are going to be out of town then and I can't celebrate like I planned because I had planned to ask you and Rae if maybe we could celebrate on the weekend or something and see if you could make your nachos and just hang cuz I made it to a year...but you know...so...I don't know what I am going to do now and part of me doesn't really care about it anymore.
But, on to other news, I am job hunting...not going so great. I also found a girl I like, but that probably won't go anywhere. She says she doesn't want anything, so we are just friends; but yea...you wouldn't be happy if you heard the whole story. But right now, it's fun...kinda bummy cuz I like her and stuff; but hey...respecting what she wants is more important to me.
A few months ago Rae gave me some of your clothes, she gave me the Starbucks Jesus shirt and your really cool razorback black hoodie. When I first got them I was scared to wash them because they smelled like you, but then I had to cuz they started not smelling like you at all. When I first got the hoodie, I slept in it cuz when I closed my eyes I could almost feel you holding me again. So now, when I miss you a lot, I put on your hoodie, cuddle up, close my eyes, and pretend you are holding me (and sometimes, it almost feels like you are there, I know that sounds crazy, but yea).
Since you left, I have tried really hard to make you proud of me. And I have tried to keep my promise to you that I made at your -thing- to try to figure all this out and make you proud; but I don't think I have been doing that good of a job. Like with God, there's definitely prospect there; but a lot of times I feel more lost than ever...but then other times, He seems to be kinda cool. But the last time we talked, you said that God would do what I needed Him to do; and you have been right about a lot of stuff, so I'm just going to keep trying to be real with Him and myself and see where I end up. And I have some really cool friends that have been helping me with that too...and just helping me in general because it was hard trying to stay focused with school and stuff and it's still hard now. One day you will meet them, they are really cool; one of those friends is Emily...if it hadn't been for her, 'specially in the beginning, I don't think I would have made it this far; the others are from church (the one on campus), but it would take way too long to tell you about all of them; just trust me...they are super cool.
I love you so much, thank you for believing in me, I miss you

really true.

My friend Emily reposted this on her blog from:http://mariskamania.tumblr.com/post/3430598729/belongs-to-www-twitter-com-mariskamania

And it's really true for me, I really hate watching Oliva cry...I wish she was real. But she (and Mariska) is definately a hero to me.