Those nights-Skillet



This song reminds me of my best friend, Emily. I'm not sure that she will ever really know how many times she has saved me in the past. She came into my life five years ago, at a time when I had given up hope for so many things; and when we parted that first week, I came a way with one over arching thought....I'm not alone, someone understands.
Since that first week our relationship has been to hell and back; but she has given me so much. She helped me find and remember the courage to find freedom. She was the first person ever, that I laid my life out before without the million and two security codes; and she still told me that I was ok. She is the sister that I never had. She loves deeply, she can somehow make me smile even when that's the last thing I want. She has shown me what real love and mercy is; and I can never repay her for that.

Love you Em.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. It felt like from really early in the morning that everything was going wrong. And I heard this song twice yesterday, and both times were when I probably needed to hear it the most because I felt like I was in a really dark place. And though the song didn't really make me feel better either time, I think in some way it did help.

Katy Perry-Firework

"Do you want change?"

In the title is the question that I was asked last night by Rae. When she asked, the thing that came to my mind, was self-injury...and the only thing that I could answer was "I don't know".
The past month has been more of a temptation to hurt than it has been in a long time...well since I stop cutting back in June.
But back to the question and the processing of my brain last night. Do I want change?, or in reference to what my brain thought of, Do I want to live without cutting or hurting myself? The answer from last night "I don't know" and here is the reason why: I seem split on the issue; part of me says that I am stronger than this and that I can live without it, the other part says that I have never felt this much pain and not had a way to make it stop and because of that I can't live without it occurring someday (if not today).
The last time I felt this much pain, was when I walked away from my best friend because that's what I thought I had to do to "follow God" and "be good"; but I knew that if I went back to her, that the pain would stop. I can't just "go back" to Dale. He's not coming back; and he will probably never know how much he helped me or that I (I hope) graduated College or anything. He won't know that I am anymore more than a stupid, lost girl, who can't seem to get past all of the shit that seems to have caused most of the people in her world to give up and write her off the list of people who will or have accomplished something in their lives.
Yes there is a part of me that wants to hope that there is life beyond self-injury, that my mind won't always to go that when stressed or in a lot of pain or just really emotional of any sort; but at the same time, especially with the last month (last six months) being so emotional for me, I don't want to be without the...at least option to hurt because I don't think I can live forever with this hole produced by Dale's death without cutting.
At his funeral I promised Dale that I would try to figure my life out, I would try to figure God out, and I would try to make him proud of me. And I think that might be partly why I have tried so far to not hurt (beyond a part of me wanting to not do it); and why maybe I am stressing so much over school...because I don't want to let him down. I don't want him to be wrong. I don't want, in the end, to be found out to really be a stupid, incompetent, lost, crazy girl who can't ever get past...her past.
I want to be strong, and brave, and intelligent, and capable; but I feel right now like at every turn where one these have been tested, I fail miserably which says to be that maybe Dale wasn't as smart as I thought he was, maybe he really did miss it with me and wasted his hope on something that wasn't worth it.
Do I want things to change? Yes, absolutely; but do I think it will? Doubtful.

I am supposed to be writing about my stupid research (that I currently dislike very very very much) and explaining, what we did, why we did it, and why the fuck anyone else in the world (especially in the world of psychology should give two shits about it) but the only thing that comes to my head is some coherent fashion is the idea of wasting 30 minutes of my life cutting in the attempts that MAYBE it will cause to me relax and possibly, just maybe, make me creative in such a way that I don't look like a complete moron when I have to turn this stupid paper in tomorrow.
I know it is just a draft and maybe I shouldn't be stressing this out so much, but I can't think, I can't write and everything I do write comes out complete shit

I can't do this.

Beautiful

I just listened to some videos of my friend Lauren singing. She has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard, I would post one of her videos on here, but I haven't asked her if that is cool or not yet, so. But as I was listening to her I just started crying, and I am not really sure why; but yeah it got me thinking about how our live and twisted and turned and brought us to where we presently stand in our friendship.
I mentioned her a bit in a blog last month, but here I go again. Lauren is definitely a girl who is true to form. What she says she will do, she does (probably will be running a tad late, but she will always show if she said she would). Last year, Lauren and I lost touch, and I thought for a while that maybe I had been wrong about her and that I shouldn't have let myself get as invested in her as I was; but through the process of time (and healing for both parties), I found out the truth and thankfully found out that I was right the first time.
Thinking back on the last few years that I have known Lauren, even though I can think of many times where I thought about or actually did avoid her as to avoid kind of a blunt butt kicking (she is definitely one to tell it like it is, like it or not); there are many, many times I can remember that Lauren has kinda played my angel of mercy kinda. Like there were times that other friends were kind of getting on my back over things, and Lauren would step in and say something nice, or at least stop me going out and encourage me in someway. Or like during the time that I saw myself (and was made to believe by some other people) as "the disease", I remember one night just going up and hugging/extended hugging Lauren, and instead of asking what I wanted or trying to pray that "I would see the light and find my way" as many seemed to try to do, she just held me (and continued singing whatever song the band was playing) until I had released whatever I was holding that night and ended the hug.
Lauren is definitely one of the few real Christians I know, or as I call them "weird Christians"; but I am so thankful that she is/has been in my life.
Love you L

Thoughts on the last few days.

Update from my last blog. I did bring my back up plan; but everytime I really thought I needed it, it and I was not in the same place. So, knowing it was there and that I could use it if necessary did really help keep the stress level down a little bit; but I did not end up using it.

And that brings me to my next thought. My first really attempt at recovery, I made it to 10 and a half months; and yesterday I made it to five months....almost half way there. The only thing that kinda worries me right now about the whole thing is that, unlike my last attempt, I don't feel that hope that I did of getting and living life beyond this. So it makes me worry that maybe I don't have the motivation anymore to really make it very far; I have almost quit several times already (this past few days included), so who knows if I will really make it to even 10 months, let alone my goal of a year.

Ok so a few days ago my friend Dawn text me and was like "I have something for you Saturday" and so for the last few days I have actually been looking forward to bible study on Saturday. Anyway, when Dawn got to bible study she hands me this little book called "God thinks you wonderful" and in it, it has just little inspirational things with the theme of "hey, you're pretty cool" (my translation). And through out the book Dawn like writes and draws pictures to highlight diferent things in it. And it's just really cute. Don't know that I belive most of it, but it was really sweet of her and it is cute...so yeah.

the past 72 hours have been emotionally crappy for me, but the last 24 or so (since lik yesterday afternoon/evening) have been especially...grr (yea I know that's not a word, but I don't know how else to put it).
Right now I am kind of thinking about packing a back up plan for this holiday break. I will probably end up backing out of the back up plan because I will reason (hopefully) that the shame of failing (again) isn't worth the benefits; but this is what is currently on my mind.
But since it's on my mind, I though why not write out some of the pros and cons of the back up plan

Pros
1. it's a back up plan, so...security
2. Relief...even if it's temporary
3. Vent

Cons
1. Failure...again
2. Shame of failing
3. Reminder of why I should never go into psychology

the lists are even right now....but which carries more weight right now?

I hate you. Because of you I will never feel worthy of this damn degree. You are always there talking, begging, being an ass. But if I say yes to you, I will always feel like the fuck up I have always been.. I don't know how to be stronger than you right now, I don't want to say no; but...I want him to be right, I need him to be right. I need him to be right that I'm good, and that strong, and that I'm not just trash that needs to be thrown away, and that I'm worth the time and the love and....
You suck

Dale and his wife Renee (Rae) at Devil's Den state park (one of my favorite pictures of them)

Dale at his house. He was a big hog fan.

So the first two pictures I got a couple months ago, but since I learned to use mom's scanner I thought I would post them in my blog. The third picture I got yesterday along with a black razorback hoodie and a t-shirt from back in the old youth group days when Dale was my youth leader.

Dale is is the guy in the back row with the gray shirt and you should be able to find me I haven't changed much.

When I got this picture, I couldn't stop staring at it. It brought back a lot of memories. But one of those memories relates to my current reality.

In a little under a month, I will offically be a college graduate. I will have proven to myself and everyone else that I am smart enough to make it through college (and hopefully with an ok GPA).

At the time of this picture (around the age of 16), I wasn't sure if I would have what it took for college for several reasons...of course at that time I didn't think I had what it took to really get through life much either.

I don't know what Dale saw in me, or why he cared like he did when so many others had already wrote me off their list; but I'm grateful that he did care so much and that he did see something in me and kept trying to speak life and value into me.

Yesterday as I was looking at this old picture, I began crying because for the first time it really hit me that Dale won't be here to see me graduate college. I want him to know that I really did it. That I didn't drop out or anything, but I did it. I don't know if I am what he saw, but at least I'm not who I was at 16. The past two days, I have been praying that God would tell him that I did it, that all his effort wasn't wasted...lol but I don't even know if God does that.....

Right now I am wearing the hoodie that Rae gave me and it still smells like him; and as stupid as it is I'm trying to figure out how long I can go without washing just so I can keep that smell

Just stand up

About a year ago my best friend shared this video with me and when I have rough days, I play it over and over again to remind myself that I really am strong enough to get through this (whatever "This" is). So if you need this today, hang in there friend, you are strong enough.

Anyone alive in there?

have you ever driven a car when your brain felt like it was on auto pilot? I have, and it doesn't feel very good, you start hoping that your auto pilot program knows what it is doing.
So a lot has happened mentally with me in the last several hours today. around 4 or 5 today I had a fleeting thought that even when I have been emotional, there is still apart of me who most of the time bottles up 90% of my emotions; and that could be part of the cause for why I am so frustrated and edgy the last month or two (and why I can't get self-destructive thoughts out of my head). Well after that, I kinda went into a zone/on auto pilot and was calculating my stuff to figure out what I needed in case one of my self-destruct phases were to occur. And so I went to the store with the intention of buy some more bandages and clean supplies, but I couldn't buy them...it was weird it was like this huge part of me (the part controlling the auto pilot at the time) was screaming to get the stuff and do it but the other part of me was like "eh, why? It will just be a mess I have to clean up later" (really ambivalent to the idea); and that conflict was extremely irritating and I wanted to basically let the uglier side of me out and to force myself to do it because I knew in doing so (despite the complications after) I would release some of the pent up crap inside but I guess the whole trying to respect myself thing kinda wore off on me because I basically felt myself say that it wasn't fair to make myself do something if I wasn't 100% in agreement.
SO...I left the store and went to church (don't ask why). And for a minute, when a friend ask what was wrong because she had noticed me zoning, I was in the present and not zoning and told her some of my current irritation and as she was talking back I started getting emotional. But instead of feeling it, I felt myself swallow the emotion. The next thing that happened was what I call basically a system failure, I didn't just "zone" it was as if my brain shut down and I (the litter operator man in the control room) was sitting in the dark in a non-functioning robot waiting for/hoping for the power to return because manually overriding all the commands was extremely exhausting. And that is how I spent most of church, disconnected to who I was, where I was, and what I was seeing and hearing. Then a few minutes before I left the power came back on and I was back to full function; it was strange.

I want to write but I'm scared to. I'm scared to scare away my friends. And I am scared if I wrote about what was really on my mind right now, I would scare them away...I'm told I'm good at doing that.

I was reflecting tonight on just everything; so what do I do when I think (and anywhere that I have access to it...?) I looked up some music. And I know these songs are super old school, but tonight they really spoke to me, and I love the guitar in these songs (it's soothing somehow right now).
If you don't know who Jen Knapp is, you should look her up. Both her old stuff (from like 10 years ago) and her new stuff is good (but different from each other). I love her music because it is just so real.
But yeah anyway, enough of throwing props out there. I was trying to find music to lift me up tonight because this week has felt like one massive failure to me (over all), but something about these songs felt good.

Fall down-Jennifer Knapp

-

The Way I am

And Just for
good measure, here's a taste of Jen's new stuff

Better Off

There is a lot on my mind right now, but I'm scared to write it down because it hurts to even think it. Since Dale, it seems I just keep getting questions that only he could really answer so I am left wondering...hoping he would answer one way but hurting thinking he might have answered the other.

Update

Ok so here is the update since I last posted.

I didn't sleep much of the rest of that night, but I got through it, without incident. The panic still continued to flow at least halfway through the day; but again, got through it. I e-mailed my grad student like right after posting and he, thankfully, was able to cover my participants up 'til 2 p.m, and even though Stella's plane was late, I still made it to school on time to run my people at 2. So everything pretty much worked out despite the stress.
And also I got really good news. My professor who is in charge of my advanced research class told me that the research that my partners and I are working on in that class is turning out well. Meaning that I am that much closer to being a published author! Why does that concept/title still feel like it's something for "adults" and "big people" rather than something I can or maybe am about it accomplish?

Stupid rantings of stress

Ok you know that thing I do when I get totally stressed out? Beside have a panic attack? Yea, well my had is totally there right now
Stella (my exchange student) couldn't stay in Argentina with me parents because paper work wasn't right or whatever, so now she is flying back, but she gets in at 12:10, which falls right when I am supposed to be running people for my lab. and if I cancel people I will have to cancel all of my P's until 2 which means I loose 4 people, and i don't know if my grad student can cover me...and right now I have to consciously think about breathing or I stop.
I know it won't help, it won't make the plane come faster, it won't clone me so I can be in Fayetteville and the airport at the same time, it probably won't even make the panic attack stop...but I really want want to give in and hope it gives me just a little bit of a high.
Jeez I suck right now. I'm a failed communicator, I suck massively at dealing with stress right now (I mean, what normal person thinks this is actually a GOOD idea?), I feel totally stupid right now.

If it made a difference

If it made a difference-Jennifer Knapp

Sorry I told you I was wrong
Sorry I don't care
Sorry I stayed here for too long
But I got a feeling you're not going anywhere.

And if it made a difference
I might grin and take it all in stride
Walk an extra mile just for your pride
If it made a difference
Everyone Could surely see by now
I am the only one who ever tried

Sorry I ever gave a damn
Sorry I even tried
To waste all better parts of me
on not just anyone who came to mind

If it made a difference
I might grin and take it all in stride
Walk an extra mile just for your pride
If it made a difference
Everyone could surely see by now
I am the only one who ever tried

To give you cause for reason
I gave you time
Sorry love but I'll be leaving
Out of memory, out of mind

If it made a difference
I might grin and take in all in stride
Walk an extra mile just for your pride
If it made a difference
Everyone could surely see by now
I am the only one who ever tried

I am the only one who ever tried
To leave you behind


This song fits well with my life right now. I'm coming to the point of walking away. The last several months I have felt under attack by some people who in the past I considered like family (and still do), and now I kinda regret ever reaching out to these people and telling them my life. I regret loosing the years of my life that I tried not being me, and to fit into the mold that they wanted me to.
The last several months I have tried to let these certain people into my life, letting them in on the real me (honest and open) and giving them a chance to love me (even if they don't agree with everything about me), but all I seem to receive is daggers to the heart from these people. I know they are trying to "help", but the only question that comes to mind for me is "If God is the answer, if by some chance, that I no longer believe in, He can make me like you...then why are you stabbing me? That's not helping, it makes me want to run from you, everyone like you (even those who go by the same label as you), and run away from God"
No, I don't know who God is in a lot of ways, I've gotten mixed messages about Him all my life. But if God (whether or not He is a nice guy or He's a jerk) is behind this attack, if He is motivating this...I don't want Him.
These people think they are "encouraging" me and "helping" me, but all they are doing is making me want to 1. attack them, make them bleed too, then 2. run like hell the other way and never look back.
I don't know how to tell them this.

I just have to speak

I am currently loving my friend Erin now for...well I don't really know for sure. She gave me the book wild at heart for my birthday, and I barely started it, but I'm loving it. It is designed to explore the "masculine" heart; but I feel myself being stirred up as well. The thing in my head all morning that I was thinking of telling Erin when I saw her was "Thank you for encouraging to explore (by giving me the book)", so I guess that is part of my gratitude right now.
Something that She said Sunday while talking about this book in conjunction with the book Captivating, is that she really identified with the adventurous side of the book and that was why she read wild at heart. It's weird, but it's very validating and encouraging to hear that coming from her. Erin is what I would call an all out girl, she looks cute in basically anything she puts on, she finds joy in cooking and being hostess, and all these different things that people typically think of when thinking of girls; but she also finds joy in the adventure and exploration, and (from comments from her) destroying things. And that is really awesome to me, and as I said, very validating to me as a person who likes fire and destroying things, but sometimes also likes to feel "pretty" and do some (to a little degree) "girlie stuff". Thanks Erin.
But in this book, the author touches on what he feels is the "Feminine Heart", and it is this that I wanted to speak on.
He says three main things make up the feminine heart:
1. They want to be fought for/to be wanted
2. They want to be caught up in an adventure
3. They want to be beautiful

And yes, I want to be wanted...who doesn't? But more than that, I want to fight for something/someone. I want to be Aladin who saves Jasmine from the snake Jafar (I'm sure adrenaline would kick in at that point hopefully, because I am terrified of snakes). I want to be Jack who is the rough and rugged artist but can smooth out and be the gentleman for is Rose.
I want to be Elizabeth Swan who sails off with pirates and gets into sword fights to defend those she loves.
So what I'm saying, is for me, while I identify for with number 2 and 3, number 1 isn't my thing. Value me, yes, want me in your life, yes...but can I PLEASE do the rescuing? Can I be the hero?

I am so blessed

Today was amazing, probably one of the best birthdays I remember. Through out the day I had several facebook messages and post from friends and family wishing me a great day; but for me the amazingness kicked into high gear this evening. First it started off with a coffee break with my friend Lauren, which was awesome; then Lauren and I both went and met up with some more of my totally awesome friends Kirstyn, Jun, Erin, Su, and Cory at Geraldi's for dinner. At which point both Jun and Erin gave me presents. I say "presents" versus "gifts", because everyone there gave me a gift, but these two gave me extra stuff as well :-D.
I actually cried on the way home from dinner because it was so overwhelmingly amazing to me.
Thank you, all of you for making this day so special to me.
You guys are incredible.

Friends

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. ~C.S. Lewis

To my friends:

Today is my birthday, yet today I am running from celebrations of me for several reasons; but none of which I will discuss today. As C.S. Lewis puts it, my friends make my life worth living; so today I want to celebrate you, my friends.

All of you are at different levels of friendship. Some are family that is really my friends, others are friends that should have been born family, and everything else in between. There are those who know a lot about my life, others I’m just getting to know; but all of you have planned your part in blessing my life.

Over the past year or so, my friends have given me hope that I am not the monster that I have believed myself to be in the past. They have held me, some even from great distances, and listened to me cry over numerous events and painful moments. By small acts of love and kindness, my friends have shown me true love and reminded me that I am in fact a human being which entitles me to have the value and respect that comes with that.

I don’t think I would have made it (or at least not as successfully) if I had not had my friends beside me letting me know that it was ok to express how I felt. Even if what I felt was an irrational desire to forget my birth and take no part in the celebration of it. They were still there and loved me even though they might not have understood.

Now to honor some of my friends (but unfortunity not an exastive list) for what they have been to me and my life.

My Best friend Emily…nothing in the world could ever really tell of the impact that she has had on my life. She came into my life at a time that I saw absolutely no value in myself. At the time, I was hiding everything I was and living completely behind whatever mask was needed for those I was around. But from the moment I met her, my mask broke, and my secrets came spewing out at her while I panicked asking myself what the hell I was doing. We have been friends for five and a half years now, she is truly like a sister I never had. To say the least Em and I have been through a lot together. Both probably scared the other at times, and I think (or hope anyway) that both have benefited from the other. I know I have. Emily, probably is the first person to show me what true grace and mercy is all about. Mercy, not giving me what I deserved while grace…giving me what I totally did not deserve, her love and friendship. I respect her for having the courage to live and do what she does. She really is a huge inspiration to me.

Kirstyn…the only person who within days of meeting her stayed up until midnight listening to me and just allowing me to vent. That was the night I gave her the label of being a “Weird Christian”, but I am so glad that she is not like the other Christians I have came across in my life. She blows me away with her love….I really did not think someone could love like that (or at least not a Christian). She was the first person I ever so hurt with me over something even when they did not agree with me about it, they just empathized with me in that moment.

Cory…Relatively new to my pack of friends is one of the few guys who I ever knew, without question, I could be around and not worry (even when being very vulnerable) what might happen. He is just a really good guy. It still amazes me that he says I bless his life, even though I don’t understand how I do.

Dawn…pretty much is kind of like the aunt I wish I had. She is amazingly humorous and incredibly smart, both of which have helped me a lot (most of which have tended to get stuck in my head for days at a time). She has a way of bringing those huge ideas that are to me kind of “out there” and abstract and helping them seem real and practical; framing them such that makes me think I can do something with them. She’s one of very few adults…er…well older than me adults that will actually let me take their Saturdays on several occasions just to hang out. That’s pretty cool

Erin…Inspires me in so many ways. One of the first things I noticed about Erin probably was her smile. Anytime I’m around her (even when she isn’t feeling well) it seems she’s always joyous. Erin is also intriguing to me. She seems to read me rather well, but I have yet to figure her out.

Lauren...like a big sister and awesome friend all rolled into one. When I met her, I didn’t like her but was drawn her anyway. She is, or can be at times, very blunt, she is not afraid to tell you the way she sees it; but at the same time, she has a huge heart that really cares for people. It used to always surprise me when Lauren would ask if I could just hang out by going to the pool or movies; it was definitely weird for me, but that “just hanging out” side is probably one of the cooler sides of Lauren.

I owe a lot to my friends. I would not be here without them. I do not think I would have faith (of any kind) without them. And I definitely would not know real love without them.

So on my birthday, I want to celebrate all my friends…the ones named here and the ones that are not, they all play their part in bright light and live into my world.

To all of you, Thank you.

Christen

halloween

Summary of my day today. Chrurch, lunch, hiking, dinnner (all with friends), then to K-day's for a nice halloween get together where we gave out candy and and had apple cider and listened to Erin and Andrew sing and play the guitars and then I (and kinda K-day) watched Van Helsing where the poor pretty girl dies. I don't know why she had to die, they should have made her live and be happy with Van Helsing. Do you know why they made her die?
Ok that's not the point of this. Today was fun, I still don't know what to wear to my dear friends Erins party next week, but today was fun...and that cool.

More inspiration from Buddy Wakefield

Preparation 8 August 18, 2010
August 18th, 2010
Dear Prop 8, Mormons, and Orange County,
I officiated the wedding of a straight couple on Sunday and I was thinkin’… I’ve been known to be pretty gay. Shouldn’t this mean their marriage not be recognized? Isn’t the sanctity of a straight couple at risk if they’re married by a gay dude? Shouldn’t straight marriages performed by gay dudes be revoked as a safeguard against burning forever? Please help me help you help God help us, or before ya know it they’ll be letting murderers and animals officiate; maybe even priests. Something more must be done to stop the spread of joy, and butt sex.
Looking to You For Christlike Moral Guidance Because You and Your Divorce Rates Representing Sanctity Totally Make Sense, Reverend Budworth

P.S. I feel like y’all should go after the Universal Life Church next, to put an end to the possibility of openly human/gay people presiding over straight weddings. Once that’s accomplished we can begin voiding the millions of marriages performed by such ambiguous clergy. It’s a purification process, and should serve to bring the human race closer together. It may seem like de-evolution or Hitleresque at first, but I for one understand that you have books to live by, like – say – the Bible, which clearly states all sins are measured equally. For instance, if I call you a retarded ape, that’s a sin, unless you truly are a retarded ape, which…At any rate, please stop.Abort hateful mission (and I don’t mean the kids you may be raising).Wakeright

Art Therapy

Over the last few days this topic has been on my mind. Though I do think that coloring, drawing, writing, creating are cathartic activities. I don't know how I stand on the actual therapy part of it.
I hate the frustration I feel right now. I feel angry, lost, hurt, scared, not safe, broken, bad. How do you ever put all that in a picture? how do you really even put that into words?

The Nite Kite Revival

The nite kite revival, is basically three slam poets doing their thing. It was incredibily beautiful and inspiring and amazing.
Ok so my creative ability to describe it right now sucks.
Ok this is the only way I can say it right now. The following is a poem by buddy wakefield, I hate the youtube video of this right now so you will just have to deal with the lyrics, so it won't be near as good as live because he is a performance poet, but here goes

"Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars (Hope is Not a Course of Action)
August 11, 2009

If we were created in God’s image
then when God was a child
he smushed fire ants with his fingertips
and avoided tough questions.
There are ways around being the go-to persone
ven for ourselves
even when the answer is clear
like the holy water Gentiles drank
before they realized Forgiveness
is the release of all hope for a better past.
I thought those were chime shells in your pocket
so I chucked a quarter at i
thoping to hear some part of you
respond on a high note.
You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars
and abandoned me for not making sense.
Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.
For example, I know mercy
when I have enough money to change the jukebox at a gay bar
(somebody’s gotta change that shit).
You understand the power of God’s mercy
whenever someone shoves a stick of morphine
straight up into your heart.
It felt amazingthe days you were happy to see me
so I smashed a beehive against the ocean
to try and make our splash last longer.
Remember all the honey
had me lookin’ like a jellyfish ape
but you walked off the water in a porcupine of light
strands of gold
drizzling out to the tips of your wasps.
This is an apology letter to the both of us
for how long it took me to let things go.
It was not my intention to make such a
production of the emptiness between us
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive.
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there
and that you meant it
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open
so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving
so I wouldn’t have to listen to my heart keep saying
all my eggs were in a basket of red flags
all my eyes to a bucket of blindfolds
in the cupboard with the muzzles and the gauze
ya know I didn’t mean to speed so far out and off
trying to drive all your nickels to the well
when you were happy to let them wishes drop
but I still show up for gentleman practice
in the company of lead dancers
hoping their grace will get stuck in my shoes.
Is that a handsome shadow on my breath, sweet woman
or is it a cattle callin a school of fish? Still dance with me
less like a waltz for panic
more for the way we’d hoped to swing
the night we took off everything
and we were swingin’ for the fences
don’t hold it against
my love
you know I wanna breath deeper than this
you know I didn’t mean to look so serious
didn’t mean to act like a filthy floor
didn’t mean to turn us both into a cutting board
but there were knives s-stuckin the words where I came from
too much time in the back of my words.
I pulled knives from my back and my words.
I cut trombones from the moment you slipped away
and I know it left me lookin’ like a knife fight, lady
yeah you know it left me feelin’ like a shotgun shell
you know I know I mighta gone and lost my breath
but I wanna show ya how I found my breath
to death
it was buried under all the wind instruments
hidden in your castanets
goddamn
if ya ever wanna know how it felt when ya left
yeah if you ever wanna come inside
just knock on the spot
where I finally pressed STOP
playing musical chairs with exit signs.
I’m gonna cause you a miracle
when you see the way I kept God’s image alive.
Forgiveness
is for anybody
who needs a safe passage through my mind.
If I was really created in God’s image
then when God was a boy
he wanted to grow up to be a man
a good man
and when God was a man
a good man
He started telling the truth in order to get honest responses.
He’d say,“I know.
I really shoulda wore my cross
again
but I don’t wanna scare the gentiles off.”

What the hell is wrong with me?

that is the question. So for 5 months or so I have subconsciously trying to tell my friend Erin about me, I don't know why; but I have. But every time that idea comes to mind or I find myself saying it, I end up twisting it and trying to code it so that she doesn't (hopefully) understand. Until tonight that is. Tonight Erin and I when to the night kite poetry revival (very beautiful will speak of it in next blog), after which we walked to my car so I could drive her home during which time we talked. During the process, I told her, though still somewhat coded in that I didn't come directly out and said it. what I have been trying to tell her.
And here comes the "what the hell..." question:
On the way to watch a movie with some other friends after dropping Erin off, I began panicking (and I still feel nauseated from it as I write). And I don't know why I am freaking out. It's not like Erin freaked on me. In fact, in texts after dropping her off she was basically like "eh, I broke the code a long time ago"; so that should say to my head "Hey, chill, she's cool; you're ok".
But it feels like part of my brain is really saying "She didn't break that code, and she is just saying that right now cuz she is in shock. She'll end up like some of the people you have told already and come back with 'I can't talk to you now' or 'you make me sick and that is just gross'" I really like Erin. Her conversations and intellect challenge me. What I think I see of her heart (what I hope I see), inspires me and reminds me of the beauty of life and friendship. Her hugs are just amazing (seriously she gives awesome hugs). She's just cool; and I guess I am believing my head right now, and I'm scared to loose her as a friend. She's the only friend I know that loves poetry as much as me (not sure why that is important right now)

I did it

Ok so for most of you if you are my friends on Facebook, this is old news to you. But here is my chance to expound on it. I received a text at 2:30 this morning (not when it was sent, but it was when I got it), asking me what it was that I did...and at 2 a.m. I couldn't remember. But this very early morning question got me thinking. "Do my friends know, what it is I am excited about?"; and given the person who sent the text was who I consider my best friend and probably the closest thing to a sister I have ever had, I concluded no.
SO...Explanation time. (that sounded WAY too hyper in my head)
If you remember from my previous blog, this little nugget of information concerning why I am excited was nestled nicely in the middle. For those of you who are like me on most days, that information is that I actually made it to 4 months without hurting myself. Monday, I didn't think I was going to make it, and even yesterday morning I wasn't sure; but I did it. I won't consider it official until June when I make it to a year, but given my birthday day next week there are some reasons to be excited about this 4 month goal. 1. It's 4 months of trying to grieve in a healthy way after I lost someone super dear to me 2. It's 4 months of trying to show myself that I have value even if others, and those I wish would see it, don't And 3. If I make it to my birthday (so 4 months and a week), I will turn 24 without it, meaning (hopefully) that the pain stops at 13 years. Again this last point will not be official until I make it to June (I still have to make it through the holidays), but...I think I might be seeing the first glimpses of hope to be free of this returning to me.

Thoughts and Concerns

I have expressed some of my thoughts and concerns over this next week and a half to a few friends. but I thought it might be beneficial to write it all out here.
My thoughts and concerns begin with tomorrow October 26Th. Tomorrow marks two pretty big things to me, the one seems big and the other seems insignificant now. I will start with the "big" one. Tomorrow at 6 p.m. it will be 4 months that I have gone without intentionally hurting myself and in turn, four months of trying to be nice and respect myself. When I think about the 10 1/2 months I went last year, 4 months seems like nothing. But at the same time, when I think about my summer, 4 months seems like a lifetime. It kinda worries me at times because this semester I seem to be under almost constant stress, which causes the thought of coping and more specifically this coping mechanism to always be in the back of my mind. That worries me, mainly because that thought is there, which causes me to run the risk of it getting out and taking over.
The other thing that happens to tomorrow is that (at least according to the calender) I will have been a "christian" for 10 years. And I am not exactly sure why this bothers me; but it does. I feel that if I got a grade in "Christianity" that I would be failing. The last year or so, I don't really even know if I could rightly call myself "Christian", I do believe in God and things, but I guess in a lot of ways, I no longer understand what a Christian is; and from that I kinda feel bad that tomorrow is even happening....I will probably pretend it's just another day.
The other thing that happens in 9 days, is I will turn 24; but the thing is...I don't want to have a birthday. I thought that after almost 6 months, that I would be OK with/ on my birthday. But I realized again that within a 2-2 1/2 month period, two things (one really big thing) will be happening differently than the way I have dreamed it for years. This will be my first birthday that I don't get a call or a card from Dale telling me how proud he is of me (even though I will never understand why). I never realized how much I valued Dale and his little encouraging words that I never believed until now that I don't hear them (or from him) anymore. I told Rae, that I would call her if I ended up with nothing going on on my birthday, but part of me wants to back on that and do what I hate doing and just lie to her about it and plan nothing but what I normally do...Coffee with K in the mornings, then Lab, then home and svu if they have it that week. But really I wish I could just skip that day altogether.
Something I thought of in that last paragraph that occurs in a couple months (month and a half or so) is that (if everything goes OK), I will have my B.A. and as stupid as this is, I was planning on trying to have some sort of smaller party/celebration/maybe movie event with Dale and Rae to celebrate. Last spring I didn't know if I would even have the funds to finish school this semester, and Dale and Rae had prayed with me that I would; and now I will be finishing without one of my biggest supporters and I'm not ready for that.
Side note: I am crying right now and it's really getting on my nerves because my emotions got out of their box again.
Sorry for probably saying all this again...I'm sure I have said this in one form or the other; but thanks for tolerating it.

Letting Go

To: My Biological Relatives

I don't trust you enough to send this to you, so for now I am just writing it here so I can get it out of me.

Terry,

My feelings for you are still very complicated. I still very much wish I understood you and the reasons why to so many things that were said to have occurred or that did occur in our relationship. I don't know what you believe were my motives in communicating with you after we found each other, and maybe it was those beliefs that caused you not to trust me enough to tell me the truth (good or bad); but when I found you...yes I wanted to know what happened and why, but more than that I wanted to get to know you...not just the image you wanted to put forth.
What I did tell you, was the truth. I don't care what happened, my life is good now. I have friends that love me for me, I don't have to pretend my life is perfect (it's far from it), all I ever wanted from you was honesty. Whatever happened, I forgive you Teresa, no matter what your part was in it. I don't care if all the reports are true, I forgive you even though a lot of times I don't feel that. You are no longer responsible in my mind, meaning...you are free. If you choose to take that freedom and hurt others with it, that's your choice, if you choose to learn from your mistakes and do better, again, your choice; but it is no longer in my hands.
What I told you about sometimes praying for you, was also true. I do want you to find love and hope and acceptance somewhere. I hope that one day you can look at yourself, and not just see the past or live your life expecting to have to pay for all your mistakes in the end. You are not defined by your mistakes, I think maybe more so you are (should be) defined by the choices you make after the mistake. Are you going to repeat the mistake, or change it and work to make it and yourself better? Do you truly think of others above yourself and try to respect and value them no matter what, or do you only seek your own worth and value? Do you try to build bridges for others to connect or do you tear others down? These are the questions that I think define a person. And no, I am not perfect....sometimes I don't think of others first, and sometimes I do do things that tear them down; but that's not my goal, that's not what I strive for.

I hope you find joy and happiness in your life...where ever that takes you.
Christen


Andrew:

I don't know why my heart goes out to you so much, but it does. I don't know why you stopped talking to me or why that correlated with the timing of me ending communication with Terry; but I hope you are well.
I hope that maybe, somehow how I live my life with others and even in relations to you and terry and the others shows you the possibilities in life. I hope that you have dreams for your future and that you strive to accomplish them. And I hope that you never, ever give up on yourself. In the very short time that we did communicate, I saw so much potential in you. You seem like a pretty caring guy, and that's cool.
I don't know if I will ever see or talk to you again (I hope so), but if I don't, I hope you find people to encourage and love you no matter what; and that you are safe and protected where ever you go; and that you never stop dreaming or reaching for the imposable things in life...I know what it's like to stop dreaming, and I never want that for you.

Don't give up, ever
Christen


Amanda and Jr:

I don't know what to say. Because of actions and things said, I don't trust you. But I hope that you can find love and hope in life. And that you are able to learn from your mistakes and work to improve your future.
Amanda, you have a beautiful baby, be good to her, cherish her, and protect her. Be the mom you would/would have want/wanted yourself. She deserves that. Don't give up on her or yourself. Life goes on and gets better.
Jr, good luck...that's about all I have.


Jackson:

I wish I had met you, I wish I had known why you didn't like Terry. I hope one day that maybe we can meet. From what the others say, you seem sweet like Andrew; you seem like a good guy.
Like the others, I hope life treats you well and that you find hope, love, and joy in whatever you choose to do. And don't ever give up on yourself, and DON'T let the past define you. If the stories I heard about you were true, we are both kinda in the same boat...but try not to let the past tell you who you are or who you will become in the future...I and trying to do that in my life.

You're never alone.
Christen


Eddie:

The stories of you are at both ends of the spectrum. Either you are an awesome guy, or a horrible bum. I have never met you, so I can't judge. I don't know what part you played so much in my past or what you feel about the things that happened. But no matter what those feelings are, I hope that you can let go of them and move on with life knowing that I am doing good now. I am accomplished and have promise for a future, I was given an opportunity to live and reach for my dreams, and I took it. I hold nothing against you; and I hope you are well.
I don't know the stories you have heard about me (or what those stories say my feelings are toward you), but I hope one day we can meet so that you know 1. I care about your well being and 2.the past is gone, it doesn't matter anymore to me.

May you always find love and happiness.
Christen

Real Christianity

OK, so I have had one incredible day today. It started pretty average, get up and get ready for the day, and go to have coffee chill with my friend Kirstyn. And that is where my life and my day got super amazing, emotional, and over all exciting. During our hang time I ask K what her plans for the day were, and from that came a story that touched my heart greatly (to the point of tears in fact). The story is kinda hard to explain on here, my friend needed to apologize to a bunch of people because basically she didn't' show them a very good picture of Jesus and love.
Hearing the story completely blew me away. I never imagined that a Christian would apologize for doing or saying something that hurt another personeven though the Christian and the other person doesn't agree.
Later in the conversation, I told K some things about my life recently (that I still can't believe happened); and I was honestly expecting her to tell me how wrong I was and stuff; but instead she just said that she loved me and would still love me no matter what. And again I sat in shock, not believing what I knew was happening.
Now to my point. Real Christianity shouldn't be about right and wrong necessarily. It shouldn't be based on whether or not you and I agree on what we say or do. It should be based on love and respect and justice for all people no matter what issue or struggle they may be dealing with; and leave the right and wrong and fixing if necessary up to God. I'm pretty sure He does know what He is doing and how to do it. We are just supposed to love those He brings into our lives. Too many people have been hurt and even died because of our inability to see past our own prejudices and biases and just love people for who they are at the moment while believing/praying/hoping (whatever word you choose to use) that God will work on them, change them, not change them according to His plan, timing and will. The pain caused by condemnation, no matter the issue or topic, needs to stop. And in my opinion Christians (the real ones that REALLY try to live in such a way as to show the love of Christ) should be the ones leading this fight against condemnation, and bullying, and discrimination. Wouldn't that be what Jesus would do if he was here? He did spend his time with those who in that time would be what I would call "Church outcasts" or what the religious people of the time called "sinners". Jesus HUNG OUT WITH the thieves, prostitutes, the broken, abused, bullied, and hurting. And if we who call ourselves "Christians" aka "Christ-followers" are ourselves pushing away (or ignoring) the broken, abused, bullied, and hurting because they are "sinners" or because we think their "sin" is somehow worse than ours or something, I don't see how we are anything like Christ and from that shouldn't be allowed to call ourselves Christ-followers.
So as my friend asked me, I will ask you "how will you show love today? Who can/will you love today?"

"I'm so proud of you C. Don't stop....Keep going"

This is a quote spoken by Dale in a Christmas card. Thinking about this week, I don't know that if Dale had seen my week would have been very proud. He probably would never have said that he wasn't proud, it was notorious for saying that he was proud at the times when I admitted to screwing up the most; but he probably would have the "disappointed/sad" face...which, for me, is much worse than if he would get angry or something.
My "x factor" kicked in today and I told Rae about my week and got the "mom look" which is up there with the sad look and may possibly be worse, but my head is still not happy, so I don't know if the "x factor" is going to stick this time. My head is still very much longing for the control and order and the high that comes with certain aspects of it.
I hate feeling out of control, and right now I feel almost like my life is setting the pace, and I'm am just running trying to keep up.
But on a much brighter note, I have almost lost 20 lbs and I can fix comfortably (for the most part) back into a pair of old jeans that I wore only once like the first year of college; if I could get the rest of my body to do what I want, I would absolutely love these jeans.

My obssession

To get what I crave will mean destroying msyelf...yet...giving in, just a little, gives me a high beyond belief. You don't understand how this brings me peace and joy and comfort because to you it only brings the desire to pushing it away. Even as it destroys me, I embrace it and cherish it and mourn when it leaves.
My battle is not "is this healthy or not" it's "Can I sacrifice myself so I can get what I desire". It's a battle of control in some ways, in others not. It's the euphoric sense as my mind embraces it's love all the while knowing at any moment she can consume by it and be destroyed; yet my mind craves her embrace.
Friends from all sides warn "Don't play with her" and ask why I in their minds "play with her", but she's my minds love and when she is happy so's my mind; when she is pissed my mind is tormented. The only greater love for my mind is one that only risks faster destruction, and when he is there, the world disappears, reason vanishes, and peace provails....then he leaves....she leaves and reason returns and I see my failure and am shamed; but still long for their return.
Right now is a time of craving, a time with every cell in my body craves, my one focus. But I can't focus on this, not right now.....

:-(

Miraculous..well not really

Today was completely and utterly beyond what I thought really could have happened. I finally got the opportunity to have coffee with a friend that for the past several years have looked up to as a really cool friend and kind of a big "spiritual/soul" sister (you know that kind of family that your heart picks and not your biology or natual living situations?).
We talked about our lives the past year or so, what has gone on and where we currently are; and just (or at least I felt on my part) sharing life honestly and openly. And in the middle of this sharing the happenings of our lives, my friend apologized to me for her part in some painful situations I found myself in last year up until a few months ago. It rather surprised me but when I heard her apologize, tears almost immediately started streaming. I'm not all too sure why the tears came, but I know it was a mix of feelings. I have hoped for a while now that maybe someday I would at least understand why it seemed I recieved this "about face" from this friend if not an apology; but I never thought it would really happen because 1. A lot of people in my life don't apologize to me and 2. This friend, or as I have precieved them until tonight, was a part of this group that never apologized for what they believed even if that delivery is painful.
So when the apology came, part of my head was thinking for several minutes "you're dreaming or dillussional, this isn't happening , wake up and listen to the actual words" Another part was thinking "Really? You saw it? It wasn't just me?" and "oh my gosh, she not only noticed but cares enough to bring it up...I mean at least that much to her, oh my gosh".
I don't know if my friend will ever read this, but it really, really, really meant so much to me. I can't even really verbalize what it meant or how valued and special I felt because of it. It kinda filled in that uncomfortable space I have felt between us. It was kind of like a small miracle to me. Thank you friend, to borrow something you kinda said to me once, my life is incomplete without you in it, love you.

Today

Today has been a hard day. I feel so incapable of facing the challenges and obstacles that are in the future, or even right now. School is stressing me out today, I don't (and haven't known) what I'm going to do after graduation beyond getting some sort of job to begin paying off my loans while I am taking the year off from school, I don't know how to combine the stories of my life into one for the stupid paper that is due Thursday, I don't know how to deal with the fact that said stupid paper is bringing up a lot of crap again.
Though there have been some GREAT things that has happened over the summer and so far this semester, today, I felt like when bad shit happens it all comes at once. And I can't do it. It is hard enough to deal with going to school (and actually trying to pass) as well as trying to deal with the fact that the only man I have ever trusted is not here to help me or give me advice (like how the hell do you deal with having two damn stories and still be ok).....I can't also take on what I'm going to do next semester. Can I PLEASE just figure that out then?
Tonight (as well as somewhat this morning), I realized the catch 22 of believing in God. Believe in God, great Dale is in heaven now and happy; but if you believe in God (or at least the God Church talks about) God is supposed to be "sovereign" so...yeah...basically, I got mad at God tonight (wether He did it or let it happen) I got mad that God let Dale die now...it sucks that He didn't/couldn't/whateve make it wait a year or too. I know that sounds sooo selfish right now, but I need Dale to tell me how he dealt with his two stories and not just for this paper.
I really don't feel strong right now, and would love to go back to my "drug" right now (probably would get an awesome "high") but it won't bring him back (unless I have some dilussion, but then I need help), and it won't make life less stressful, or the expectations of those around me go away; nor will it really make me any stronger (even though I may feel stronger).
14 days left....why does 3 months feel like an eternity....quiting sounds like a GREAT idea right now.
BUT
I have to give some props. I know I've already said this to you, but Em, thanks for being there today, and even though I didn't (or don't think I did) tell you all this; it helped for that little bit to feel not so completely alone (even though I was at the time stressing myself out to the point of panic and a migrain). I love you, I couldn't have faced today without you.

Thoughts on Religion

The faith/religion I had at 14 isn't what it is today. Even though at 14 I still had the same set up that led to the faith (in whatever way it exists in my life) that I have today; but in a lot of ways, because that set up was a lot more recent (only a year or two), I still had that little kid faith...the faith that believes anything and trusts too easily.
But over the years, reality set in. I stopped trusting everyone, but especially those who call themselves "Christians" and in a lot of ways I have stopped trusting God. I still believe in God because there are too many situations in my life that I have experienced something that seems beyond natural; but I don't really get anything beyond that too much.
This weekend different people told me that I needed to "Receive God's love", but I don't know how. I don't even know how or if I receive love from people. I mean, I "feel" loved my certain people, and I guess in some way there is a "receiving" there, but I don't know where that is, so I can't repeat it.
I guess the point of this is, God and religion just confuses me right now

The past 24 hours of my life have been incredible. Yesterday I inadvertently spent 5-6 hours talking with a new friend of mine from a bible study I go to on Saturdays; and was surprised to find that I really like this person on several levels. This friend and I talked about a little of everything; from some of our pasts, to law and psychology, to God and how He works in real life and not just on paper or in the minds of pastors and theologians. Beyond being really smart given that my fiend is a lawyer, I have come to respect her in a lot of ways as well. 1. She's smart 2. She really cares about people and strives to help them if possible 3. She seems to recognize that life and all of its sub categories are more complicated than some might want them to be, that things can't always be completely black and white and 4. She doesn't seem to let her religion get in the way of truly caring and respecting people as the beings they are. And even though we did spend most of the day talking, I really appreciated getting to know this friend more.
And today, I have to say this because it's just came to mind, My nephew is the sweetest kindest young man on the planet. He helped me pack my car before I left for church, opening doors for me (cuz as I'm told "that's what boys do"), asking to carry my bags, and everything. He's a really sweet young man; and if he stays this sensitive and sweet, he's going to make someone really happy one day.
To get beyond this morning and my nephew, just after lunch (which thanks to the awesome and generous people at the campus ministry I attend, was free) a friend, whom I haven't gotten the chance to really talk to recently because of scheduling conflicts, called me and 1. we got to talk, which always makes my day brighter because I think of her as a sister and my best friend and 2. She told me that if given the chance and/or if I let myself take the chance I could make someone really happy one day...her words, I was "a catch"...but this is my translation (if you read this Em and I translated wrong, feel free to correct). When I heard her say this I'm pretty sure I nearly blushed (if I didn't really blush), because to me; that was probably the sweetest thing this friend could ever tell me. The reason her saying what she did was so special to me, is because this friend really knows me and not just portions of me or portions of projected perceptions of me; but she knows the real me...the good, bad, and the ugly. So for her to tell me, that I am worth catching was really sweet.
So, so far today, this has been probably one of my best weekends in over 3 months. Now if only I could convince myself that it's not a bad thing that I am beginning to enjoy my life again and move past the pain and loss of this summer.

My mind has taken over

In the past week, and especially the past four or five days, my mind has taken over my body. I thought I would enjoy getting into a routine of both eating and exercise..but the last few days, I have hated it.
After about a month and a half my body is in a feeding routine: 7-8, 11-1, around 5; but the last few days my head has been asking to drop 400 cals from the plan and skip lunch because the numbers on the scale aren't responding the way my mind wants them to even thought I have been exercising and everything.
Ironically this mental obsession lately has brought back thoughts of Bob, not that he could ever accomplish anything. If I am doing what I am supposed to, I don't know how he can help change the numbers I see..
Saturday, my head was freaking out to the point that the thought of food made me feel nauseated and stuff. Why is it that even healthy plans freak my head out?
This sucks.

Is this ok?

This is kinda a bunch of thoughts put together in one blog, but I think I can sum it up in: "Is this ok?"

I know some people say that a person has to dream to survive, to have dreams for the future; but can I just try to live in today? Is it ok that I don't dream of tomorrow?
The future scares me because I don't know what's out there. My life could go in several directions: many that don't look promising, and some others that do; but non are certain. And my past: painful. But today is a beautiful day full of hope and promise and love. I want to learn to love and respect people the way I want to be...some call that the 'golden rule' "treat others the way you want to be treated"...but that just seems to be the way life should be.
No matter what tomorrow brings, when others look at my life, I hope they can say that I was one who loved I want to be know for love, a love that doesn't depend on who they are, where they are from, or what mess they find themselves in, or what their past is like; that no matter what, they know that they are loved
In the church, I grew up hearing things like "smile, you may be the only Jesus the people around you may see today"; but doesn't life go beyond church? What if the saying was changed to "smile, you may be the only hope people around you may see today"? There are/have be many in my life that have been just that to me: hope. Hope that every person in the world isn't hateful and cruel. These different people came into my life at times that I needed hope that life was worth living, or that despite the rumors...I'm not a cancer to the planet, or that I will past my psychology test and go on to graduate, or that my addictions won't kill me. So what if, just by a smile or something, we can bring this same hope to others? Is that ok?

I'm kinda proud of me

Why am I proud? 1. I got a little tan last week 2. I'm starting to loose weight, all-be-it too slow for what I would like 3. I am drinking a protein drink for breakfast for the past week and a half even though that almost guarantees that I will gain muscle and thus weight 4. I am not on some crazy diet and see point 2 5. before I twisted my ankle, I was jogging about a mile and walking another mile and a half; and now I am walking as much as I can 'til the pain gets to me and I swam with the kids like 5 hours one day and 2 hours another day last week.

I can't wait til my foot no longer hurts because I have found that I love jogging; and jogging with my mp3 is even better because when my head starts freaking out about how I should be loosing more or how life is too insane and I should go back to him, I can just jog til my head shuts up.

So when my head is not trying to freak out, I LOVE this feeling. :-D

The last few days, when I look in the mirror, I've seen her...her eyes, hair, hands...all I see is her; and I think of him and how he says he can make her go away. I wish I didn't see her; but that seems to be my life. The only difference between now and my past is that now I KNOW the similarities instead of just feeling them.
I used to love my hair and eyes, the only parts of me that I did love. I use to look at my hair and pretend that I was beautiful, and I use to love that the color of my eyes would/will changes colors. But now that loves comes and goes, and when it goes I have to fight to try to convince myself that despite what the mirror says that I am not her; but I still can't help but see her.

I wish I could make her go away

...lol what's the point.

I was going to write out what's in my head right now, but why should I take you through it....

I hope you have a good dday.

Several months ago, I wrote blog that at the time was my attempt at being nice to myself; but has now kind of become a sore spot of my blog when I look at it because though I am being nice in the blog it reminds me too much of the place and people I came from. And after posting that blog, I realized that probability was greater than chance that I was being lied to and played by a person who has a history of hurting me.

I promised myself that I would not delete my words here, because this is my safe zone where I write what I feel without editing and censoring. I told myself the only time I would delete my words here is when this site is no longer safe at which point I would probably close the site. For this reason, the sore spot on my blog remains.

But I decided to try it again, of course leaving out the sore spots. I need to be nice to me again tonight.

This is me sometime between birth and my adoption. Mom said I weighed probably somewhere around a pound or so at birth; but I love this picture because it shows my feet. I don't see how something that small can have feet, but yeah I had feet.

This is me, June of '87, shortly after coming to mom and dad. Mom said she was holding me from under the blanket for the picture. I have always loved strawberries and so I always thought mom was pretty cool to put me in a strawberry dress as my first picture for her. And somethign I noticed earlier today, in the picture, I'm smiling (or laughing not sure) and I guess I am looking at the camera. But anway I thought it was cool.

I have always been fasinated by this picture, and I'm not all too sure why. When I was little (really little), I used to use this as proof that I love Jesus even before I could read because I was trying to read. But I don't know, I just thought it was a cute picture.

After this point I don't have many picutes of myself that I enjoy. So instead of trying to find one I like, I will end it hear.

later dayz

"Daddy Dale"

I met Dale McCown when I was 16, and I didn't think much of him then. To me, he was a weird guy with crazy ideas who just might have been borderline obsessive about the Hogs; the only thing he seemed good for was being really the only adult in my life who knew how to be a kid and have fun. Although I didn't really trust Dale much and thus pretty much avoiding and ignored him the first part of our relationship, there was a part of me that understood him to a point and in some ways respected him. Little did I know at that time, that he would go on to be the first man that I can honestly say that I trusted and loved. Speaking of firsts, Dale was the first person in my life, first adult anyway, that I trusted enough to tell about one of my biggest struggles, at the time; and for which he could have gotten me into trouble but didn't.
A few years after I met him, Dale came back into my life with his wife who I call "Rae" (I later found out that he had prayed for such a reunion, upon hearing this I broke down crying in shock that someone would care so much about me at a time when I had thought that practically the world had give up on me, while at the same time thought "Is he really insane? why would he want me back in his life?!). Over a period of months and many, many encounters where I got to see Dale just be Dale (in the "safe zone" I needed him to be in: happily married), Dale and his wife, became what they called "spiritual parents" to me...in my vocabulary, I just saw them as weird, crazy, cool people who had somehow found their way into my well guarded heart and became like second parents to me.
Though I could tell so many stories of Dale, some just funny and entertaining (him swinging onto the stage for a play performance), to what I would classify as disturbing, to heart felt and just sweet, one of the stories that sticks out to me at the moment is one that happened a couple of years ago. It is also an example of how in one evening with Dale and Rae can turn my view of how the world and life is "supposed" to work completely upside down and confuse the hell out of me. I was helping him and Rae set up for this ministry thing they got me to come to; and in the process I, being my clumsy self, knocked over a drink that was sitting on the table. My instant reaction (whether it was noticed by Dale and Rae or not) was to freeze and wait for the yelling to start; but after a second when no yelling ensued, we all began cleaning up the spill, after which I left the room to try to get alone and deal with the complete weirdness of the event in my head (and more privately write the event on a list in my head for which I planned to punish myself for later). A little while later, after set up was done, Dale came out to me and said something like "Hey, about that spill earlier *me tensing again*, don't worry about it. A mistake doesn't mean failure" Then he hugged me and said something like "we still love you"; which put me a little more at easy and took the event off the previously mentioned check list.
In a lot of ways, Dale brought consistence into my life at a time when pretty much everything seemed random and uncertain. I could count on a few things happening every time I saw or talked to Dale (no matter what the reason, good or bad) 1. He would always greet me with "Hey mighty woman of valor" and a smile 2. at some point, and pretty much always after telling him of yet another screw up, he would say "I'm proud of you" and 3. He would always end a conversation with "I love you, and keep in touch." I never really understood why Dale would have said any of these things to me, even after he explained why. I guess I can't see what he did. But non-the-less, for reasons unknown to me, Dale became a father figure for me in too many ways to count. He showed me what intense faith was even in times of uncertainty, what love was (both for other people and for his wife and family), the difference between punishment and correction/discipline, he showed me that real men cry and are sensitive and can be empathetic and he tried to show me that I was worth the time to love and to be known beyond my failures, even if I never really got that lesson. From being around Dale, at one point I started to wonder if maybe all his talk about how God was sweet and loving was true. I hadn't known any man up to that point to really ever act the way Dale did...he even sincerely apologized to me and anyone else he hurt when he messed up, he didn't just brush it off as something that was a part of his personality, he worked to make his mis-steps right and change them. And the only reason he ever gave me for acting so weird like this is that he was trying to be like the God/Jesus he read about in the bible, the God he put all his faith and life into serving.
Well on May 19, 2010, Dale, who in the last year or so I started affectionately calling "Daddy Dale" died, or Rae would call it "promoted", suddenly in accident. When I first heard the news from a friend, I practically without saying the exact words called her a liar, and for the rest of the night I laid on the couch in shock and denial not talking to anyone and upset that I couldn't contact Rae (upset only because that just confirmed to me what I had been told). The next few days went by in a haze without really knowing all that happened. The day of the viewing, the shock wore off for a couple hours as reality slapped me in the face. I felt pain like I have never felt before and for the first time in my life; I truly knew how much this crazy hog fan meant to me. I began feeling guilty over the last conversation I had had with Dale, and in some stupid way kinda felt that maybe that conversation caused him to worry and stress over me and because of that he had the heart attack that cost him his life.
Sine then, this past month has been a roller-coaster of feelings and memories, some good and funny others painful and sad. But all of which has led me to kind of shut down. Until last week I couldn't even say the words "Dale died", and until now, I didn't really know what to say and even now I don't really know how I feel even though I'm crying. I shut down for several reasons 1. I didn't know what to say or what I was feeling 2. I didn't think anyone wanted to hear me cry and be sad over a man who to the rest of the world was just a really good friend. 3. I didn't know who to turn to And 4. I felt that if I pulled myself away from everyone I cared for that it wouldn’t hurt so bad when/if I lost any of them; so I shut down and began to try to cope with this loss as best as I know how, which unfortunately isn't really the best of methods. The only other way I found to kinda cope with this, at least to distract me for a time from my real coping mechanism, was/is sometimes when the pain and numbness balance out I will listen to what I have dubbed "Dale's song" because it is the song to speaks the words I always heard him say. The song is "I believe in you" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.
But this is kinda my attempt at telling my story of Dale (or part of it, as I saw it), what he has meant to me, and what I have been going through the last month.

I love you so much Dale, I’ll try to make you proud of me; and hopefully see you soon.

Thoughts

This is when I know my brain is in over drive, when even after taking melatonin, I can't sleep.

This past month has changed my life; and I know that no matter how much I try or want it to be, it will never be the same again. Yesterday was Father's Day, and it was really bitter-sweet to me because I didn't have My Dale to wish happy father's Day to. But it was sweet cuz I was thinking about how he had impacted my life and forever changed it. I just wish that he wouldn't have.... transferred... so early...there's so much he can't be here for now.
But that's not what this is about, not really. It's not really why I can't sleep tonight. I can't sleep cuz I'm thinking about this past month and how I'm really scared that this past 3-6 years have not been what they appeared and that they only appeared that cuz Dale wanted them to.
It's what I do on some level every time I'm hurt, but it kinda surprised me to do it now; though I don't know why cuz this has been the most painful thing in my life because for the first time in my life (really) I lost someone who I knew without a doubt loved me (for me even though he knew all the bad stuff about me). It wasn't like I lost something that was supposed to love me even they didn't (even though that really really hurts too).
But this past month, I've basically pulled completely away from everyone...just basically going to surface level relationship. And I have done this especially with one person, Dale's wife...my Rae.
I am not too sure why I have pulled away from everyone else, maybe cuz they won't really understand, or they aren't close enough to help me so I don't want to bother them. But Rae, I'm scared to talk to her. 1. As already mentioned, part of me is afraid that she was just play acting for Dale's benefit; and 2. In the last month I have put up so many editing rooms because either I want to try to protect Rae or cuz I'm scared she is just play acting and will leave if I'm honest; that if I talk to Rae, I don't say anything.
A couple weeks ago, she was asking me some questions like how am I and stuff, and I just said "I don't know" and she was like "if you don't want to talk or if I am prying just tell me and I will stop" and I told her it was ok to pry but I still didn't change my answer. If she has been in my head, she would have heard the answer mixed in with all this fear and me telling myself that I have to be x, y, and z for her; but I'm too scared to tell her all that. I can't even write it down on paper to read to her or anything. Now when I am around her I have become like a statue without a mouth...My face and I might try to say a million things, but my mouth stays shut and I say nothing.
All the while, I'm screaming inside for a vent for all this pain. I never thought someone could hurt like this and still be alive. I thought surely either the pain would stop or one would die (seems more merciful than the pain). But when I really think about it, I know why I can't let go of bob again right now. He is not serving the purpose he always did of executioner right now, it's not for guilt or punishment; its more of a warm blanket that I can curl up in and be away from the pain for a little while. He's being sweet right now, I know in my head that he can be really, really, ugly mean; but right now he's helping and being sweet.

Last night I took some sleeping meds and slept like a baby, with the exception of a couple really bazaar dreams; so tonight must be my night to spend awake.
Over the last 2 or 3 weeks as a general pattern goes, I have only slept every other day. Some nights I lay down around 2 or 3 am and stare at the ceiling for the remainder of the evening. Other nights I try somehow coercing myself to sleep in varies non medical means. And still others I lay in bed and simply toss and turn all night trying to find sleep. Then the night following one of these variations, I am either so completely warn out that I do fall asleep at bedtime (to wake up a few hours later to spend the remainder of the night awake), or will take medication so that I might have a chance of sleeping through the night.
And as stated previous, this evening must be the night to stay awake given that I am fully awake and 1:45 a.m. And given that there is nothing interesting on t.v. and it seems that my twitter and facebook world has gone to sleep; I am here writing about my sleepless night.
Sometimes I have wondered if this pattern of sleeping only minimally every 48 hours or so will become a regular pattern or if someday (hopefully soon) everything will fall back into the space it has apparently falling out of and I will find myself being able to sleep in a more typical pattern.
Ok, I think I may have rambled enough for one evening.
have a good day

the cutest boy in the world

Ryder: "you're a girl cuz you have long hair"
Me: "I'm a girl cuz I have long hair?"
Ryder: "yep"
Me: "If papoo had long hair he'd be a girl?
Ryder: "yeah"
Me: "So if I cut my hair, would I turn into a boy?"
Ryder: yeah"
Me: "Hmm, I think I will turn into a boy then"
Ryder: "NO!"
Me: "You like me as a girl"
Ryder: "yeah"
Me: "*laughs* ok then I will stay a girl"

This was a conversation between me and my almost 4 year old nephew. It was rather cute finding out that the only differences he thinks there is between boys and girls is their hair. So I had to post about it. I love my nephew so much, definately the sweetest boys I know.

Recovery

For the last two or three months I have been asking myself what the purpose of recovery was. Trying to understand logically why I should continue to fight the continuous battles of my mind; and I couldn't find the answer.
For the first time that I remember, although triggered and driven in part by intense emotional pain, I cut under the guidance of a strategic plan. Though urged to do more than I did; my reasoning that the purpose of venting the emotional pain over-ruled the desire to continue...as I said it felt strategic, too planned, almost like I was telling someone else and not myself what to do and how much. I felt the pain, but somewhere between thinking of the idea of making an emotional vent and actually doing so, I disconnected; and that felt weird. After I cut, somewhere in the back of my mind I felt myself say that recovery, fighting wasn't worth it...specially not if maybe I could produce the strategic disconnection again.
But while writing my last blog post, I thought of a possible reason for recovery. For love, and not really for a person...but maybe if I give up hope for recovery and if I learn to just disconnect..maybe I would loose the ability to feel love. And if this happened, I would loose the one dream that I have. And that dream is the one thing that has survived the earthquake of my life this past year.
So...I don't know if I can do it. And maybe, as I heard once, recovery will mean screwing up at times (as long as I can get back up and fight again); and I know that trying again means I will again engage the battle that may never end....*heh*..I used to not want to feel, and when it hurts to much...I still wish that; but I enjoy the good feelings. The feeling I get when my nephew gives me a hug, just because he loves me. Or the excitement of waiting for someone to arrive at a coffee shop so that I could buy the a coffee just because I had the money and because I loved them. I don't want to risk not feeling those good things. So for that reason, I'm going to try again. It's scary because it means I have to face the pain without a vent; and I don't know how to do that, or who or where to go to where I can feel safe enough to cry and feel pain without being overwhelmed by the urge to stop fighting. I'm going to try again, I have to, for me, because I like feeling good and happy.

I do have a dream

For months, I have thought that all my dreams I once had had been lost to me. But yesterday, as I watched the movie letters to Juliet as well as while I watched bicentennial man tonight, I realized that I still cling tightly to one dream. A dream that I am not all too sure will have the chance of coming true.
I dream of falling in love and to have that love reciprocated. All my life, I've been afraid to become close, or too close, emotionally to anyone because I know in my heart that I will loose them....one way or the other. But to fall in love, to love and be loved by someone; I would gladly accept the pain of loosing them because I would at least have the comfort that I had possessed their love.
That is my dream....to find someone who I would cross oceans for, for whom I could give my all to and not fear being rejected or receiving no love in return. I want to find someone who I can cuddle close to on winter nights, someone I can write poems for, or to sing stupid songs to just so that I can see them smile. To find someone who I could sit in silence for hours with and be completely happy.
This is the survivor of finding reality in my life. This is the hope I felt for the future but for which I couldn't define, to say what I was hoping for.