I have been debating writing this because I know some of my readings don't approve and probably don't want to read about it. But when I started this blog, I promised myself 2 things.
1. This would be a place of freedom and safety. Before I gave my URL out, my readers would commit to first keep what they read between me and them (unless receiving permission from the author first) and second, would not judge, be mean or cruel because of what they read. I said that I would write what I feel, without a filter, thus forming a place that I could really be me, even if I was upset, sad, happy, or whatever.
2. the second thing I promised myself, is that I would never delete my posts, even if my opinion changes with time; because if I deleted anything I would loose apart of my history that I wouldn't be able to get back; and deleting them would be a dishonor to myself; and I won't do that.
So with that said, I have to write this post....for me:
I like someone, granted...I just met them a couple weeks ago, and she is planning on moving away in a couple months, and she isn't really my typical type; but I like her. She's fun, kinda crazy (but that makes her fun), she's sweet, sensitive, and loyal to her friends from everything I have seen so far. She doesn't want a relationship, or anything like that right now, because she is planning on moving and just got out of a shitty relationship; and so we are just friends....but when I am around her, I want to cuddle and things. But still we are friends, and I will respect that, I don't want to hurt her.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friends
Yesterday, someone who I consider a friend, said something that really got me thinking. She was talking about how our relationship started and sort of what the base of it is; which basically is God/church. and I started thinking. That is sort of how it is with most of my friends now, we are friend because of my involvement with church, I don't know that I would have still been friends with them if it were not for church. I'm going down the list of my friends right now and trying to think if we have something that connects us that isn't just church or God; and right now I can only really think of one long time friend that our relationship really is a multi-dimensional friendship, and that friend is Emily.
Though it is true that if one of us hadn't of gone to church camp 5 1/2 years ago, we might not have been friends; but our relationship is more based on shared similarities than it is on God or church or even spirituality in general. Within a couple days of meeting Em, I told her that we were like soul sisters or something because our lives seem to be oddly similar; and I knew from that week that something would be missing in my life if she and I weren't friends. And even though we have not physically seen each other face to face since that week; we are still close (I tell her everything, and we talk to each other about stuff we would just tell anyone), and I still consider her my best friend and apart of my family.
Out side of Em, right now I can only think of maybe few newer friendships, and one older friendship that might have a potential for being that kind of friendship that isn't solely a God-friendship.
All that to say, its kinda weird to think that if I left church, or God in general; I really wouldn't have friends. I mean, I could get some new friends of course, but really, right now I would have to start over. This really makes me wonder about how I make friends (and kinda makes me want to ask my current friends how they see our relationship is connected)
Though it is true that if one of us hadn't of gone to church camp 5 1/2 years ago, we might not have been friends; but our relationship is more based on shared similarities than it is on God or church or even spirituality in general. Within a couple days of meeting Em, I told her that we were like soul sisters or something because our lives seem to be oddly similar; and I knew from that week that something would be missing in my life if she and I weren't friends. And even though we have not physically seen each other face to face since that week; we are still close (I tell her everything, and we talk to each other about stuff we would just tell anyone), and I still consider her my best friend and apart of my family.
Out side of Em, right now I can only think of maybe few newer friendships, and one older friendship that might have a potential for being that kind of friendship that isn't solely a God-friendship.
All that to say, its kinda weird to think that if I left church, or God in general; I really wouldn't have friends. I mean, I could get some new friends of course, but really, right now I would have to start over. This really makes me wonder about how I make friends (and kinda makes me want to ask my current friends how they see our relationship is connected)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Born This Way
I was listening to this song while taking Stella to school today, because I needed the dance music to wake up...but I started listening to the lyrics (which I absolutely love) and started thinking; and more specifically about a few select lines in the song.
"Don't hide yourself in regret, Just love yourself and you're set"
All my life I have worn a mask of one variety or another; and in some areas I still do because I don't want to upset anyone or because I'm afraid that the person I am inside is bad and will scare others off. But it's ok to love me, despite how I feel a lot of times, I'm not bad or evil, I'm not cruel, I'm loving and compassionate, I'm good.
"In the religion of the insecure I must be myself, respect my youth"
Again I can't hide forever, I have to be me; I can't be everything everyone wants me to be. And I have to stop fighting the way I was brought up, maybe it doesn't have to be an either or situation. I was raised to believe in God and all these things, its ok that that was in my past. Just because I am not the girl my dad thought I would be, doesn't mean I have to give up on the things I learned; it made me who I am.
"Mi amore vole fe yah"
Translation "MY love needs faith", when I heard this all I really thought was "to love me I need to believe in me." The one thing that has stuck with me from things Dale told me was basically the idea that I'm worth believing in; and I hope one day that I can believe in myself as much as he seemed to.
"I was born to survive....I was born to be brave"
I have been through a lot in my life. A lot of pain and several scary situations; but I have come through those. I am strong enough to survive and be brave, I can take life as it comes and be ok.
On a somewhat different note:
This past week has changed my life, and last night it really hit me. And you know what? It's kind of exciting. I still don't know exactly how to explain this feeling or all the thoughts; but I'm glad last week happened. I am.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Last night I stepped out of my car and casually looked up, and this sight caught my attention for a good 10 minutes. It was strangely peaceful. After having 2 rough days, I was really grateful for this beautiful simple image in the sky.
While watching this I had this feeling that I wasn't alone, that someone knew my pain; and that no matter the hurt and pain that somewhere in the world there is still beauty out there that can take your breath away. I know that it is irrational to think that a thing like this could cause these ideas and emotions; but that is what happened last night
Monday, February 14, 2011
today
I guess since I have already talked (sort of) about my day to the person I told myself I wasn't going to. I guess I'll write about it now; because it is still bugging me.
But first: Why I wasn't going to talk about it.
Today was a hard day, and this morning I told myself that I wasn't going to talk to my best friend about it. I didn't want to talk to her 1. because I was letting my past come back and affect me when I should just tell it to go take a flying leap 2 I felt really weak, and I don't like saying that I'm weak; especially to her, even though she probably understands the most.
Ok, I've already talked about one of the things that was bugging me today in a previous blog, so I won't go over it again. There was also a few other small things; but the big think I think was that I was missing Dale again today.
Saturday will be 9 months since I lost Dale. I regret not being honest with him, I regret hiding. It still feels weird not being able to pick up the phone and tell him about school or the job search or whatever.
I know it's stupid, but the last few weeks I have been thinking about going to see him (even though I know he's not really there anymore), and tell him all the stuff I wanted to tell him but was too scared to before....but, I'm scared to go alone, I know that's stupid; but it's true.
I want to tell him that he was right, I did do it, I graduated. I've also found myself wanting to talk to him about my relationship stuff (or lack there of) even though I know in reality he probably wouldn't want to hear it. I want to talk to him about church and my friends there, and -her- and what all happened there and the repercussions from that. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, because he was my mediator, and I don't know what to do now with that mediation there.
I miss him so much, and some days I kinda feel lost because he's gone in the next 4 months I have days that will bitter/sweet cause I had plans that, at least in my mind, included him. Like commencement (which I don't know if I will do now), and Lord of the rings marathon (with his commentary), and June 27th (or July 2, which ever worked better for them) when I would come over to their place (and bring cupcakes or something small) and maybe talk Dale into making his AMAZING nachos and celebrate making it to a year.
Days like this, remind me of why in the last few months, counter to my normal self, I have not really wanted to make any big plans....and why I panic when I think about loosing anyone anytime soon.
Ok, I'm going to stop ranting now.
But first: Why I wasn't going to talk about it.
Today was a hard day, and this morning I told myself that I wasn't going to talk to my best friend about it. I didn't want to talk to her 1. because I was letting my past come back and affect me when I should just tell it to go take a flying leap 2 I felt really weak, and I don't like saying that I'm weak; especially to her, even though she probably understands the most.
Ok, I've already talked about one of the things that was bugging me today in a previous blog, so I won't go over it again. There was also a few other small things; but the big think I think was that I was missing Dale again today.
Saturday will be 9 months since I lost Dale. I regret not being honest with him, I regret hiding. It still feels weird not being able to pick up the phone and tell him about school or the job search or whatever.
I know it's stupid, but the last few weeks I have been thinking about going to see him (even though I know he's not really there anymore), and tell him all the stuff I wanted to tell him but was too scared to before....but, I'm scared to go alone, I know that's stupid; but it's true.
I want to tell him that he was right, I did do it, I graduated. I've also found myself wanting to talk to him about my relationship stuff (or lack there of) even though I know in reality he probably wouldn't want to hear it. I want to talk to him about church and my friends there, and -her- and what all happened there and the repercussions from that. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, because he was my mediator, and I don't know what to do now with that mediation there.
I miss him so much, and some days I kinda feel lost because he's gone in the next 4 months I have days that will bitter/sweet cause I had plans that, at least in my mind, included him. Like commencement (which I don't know if I will do now), and Lord of the rings marathon (with his commentary), and June 27th (or July 2, which ever worked better for them) when I would come over to their place (and bring cupcakes or something small) and maybe talk Dale into making his AMAZING nachos and celebrate making it to a year.
Days like this, remind me of why in the last few months, counter to my normal self, I have not really wanted to make any big plans....and why I panic when I think about loosing anyone anytime soon.
Ok, I'm going to stop ranting now.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Erin's quiz
So my friend Erin in her latest blog posted a little quiz for her readers to fill out. And given that I need something to occupy my mind right now; I thought I would do it.
Who are you really?
1. What is your most dear object - the first thing you would grab to save in the instance of a fire?
Given that it's right by my bed, probably my phone. But right now, probably also my picture of Dale.
2. What is your favorite dessert?
Strawberry Shortcake
3. What do you do when you've had a really no-good, rotten, bad day?
Call/text a friend and/or cuddle up in bed and tell myself I can't move
4. If you could be doing anything right now - time, money, or resources be damned - what would you do?
Travel around Europe, then go to Australia
5. What kind of person do you aspire to be?
A strong yet compassionate person who can love no matter what.
6. What is your most valued characteristic in humans?
It's hard to pick just one, I guess it would be love in short; more complexly: love, forgiveness, and mercy.
Who are you really?
1. What is your most dear object - the first thing you would grab to save in the instance of a fire?
Given that it's right by my bed, probably my phone. But right now, probably also my picture of Dale.
2. What is your favorite dessert?
Strawberry Shortcake
3. What do you do when you've had a really no-good, rotten, bad day?
Call/text a friend and/or cuddle up in bed and tell myself I can't move
4. If you could be doing anything right now - time, money, or resources be damned - what would you do?
Travel around Europe, then go to Australia
5. What kind of person do you aspire to be?
A strong yet compassionate person who can love no matter what.
6. What is your most valued characteristic in humans?
It's hard to pick just one, I guess it would be love in short; more complexly: love, forgiveness, and mercy.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
fighting the obssession
Today I woke up obsessing over food and all of that, and was doing good in the obsessive way; but after dinner something I said once to a friend. It was kind of an unofficial goal, the thought was "I am trying to learn respect, to respect myself and others". And I tried to forget it and just continue with my plan but it kept coming up.
I know right now I feel like a looser and a lazy bum right now and like I can't control anything really; but I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to punish myself because I gained weight over Christmas, or because I don't have a job yet, or anything. I didn't do anything wrong.
But at the same time I wish I could have that hungry, light headiness and healthy food relationship at the same time. I love that feeling, but I know it's not healthy.
Sighs
I know right now I feel like a looser and a lazy bum right now and like I can't control anything really; but I didn't do anything wrong. I don't need to punish myself because I gained weight over Christmas, or because I don't have a job yet, or anything. I didn't do anything wrong.
But at the same time I wish I could have that hungry, light headiness and healthy food relationship at the same time. I love that feeling, but I know it's not healthy.
Sighs
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