today

I guess since I have already talked (sort of) about my day to the person I told myself I wasn't going to. I guess I'll write about it now; because it is still bugging me.
But first: Why I wasn't going to talk about it.
Today was a hard day, and this morning I told myself that I wasn't going to talk to my best friend about it. I didn't want to talk to her 1. because I was letting my past come back and affect me when I should just tell it to go take a flying leap 2 I felt really weak, and I don't like saying that I'm weak; especially to her, even though she probably understands the most.
Ok, I've already talked about one of the things that was bugging me today in a previous blog, so I won't go over it again. There was also a few other small things; but the big think I think was that I was missing Dale again today.
Saturday will be 9 months since I lost Dale. I regret not being honest with him, I regret hiding. It still feels weird not being able to pick up the phone and tell him about school or the job search or whatever.
I know it's stupid, but the last few weeks I have been thinking about going to see him (even though I know he's not really there anymore), and tell him all the stuff I wanted to tell him but was too scared to before....but, I'm scared to go alone, I know that's stupid; but it's true.
I want to tell him that he was right, I did do it, I graduated. I've also found myself wanting to talk to him about my relationship stuff (or lack there of) even though I know in reality he probably wouldn't want to hear it. I want to talk to him about church and my friends there, and -her- and what all happened there and the repercussions from that. I want to tell him that I wish he was here, because he was my mediator, and I don't know what to do now with that mediation there.
I miss him so much, and some days I kinda feel lost because he's gone in the next 4 months I have days that will bitter/sweet cause I had plans that, at least in my mind, included him. Like commencement (which I don't know if I will do now), and Lord of the rings marathon (with his commentary), and June 27th (or July 2, which ever worked better for them) when I would come over to their place (and bring cupcakes or something small) and maybe talk Dale into making his AMAZING nachos and celebrate making it to a year.
Days like this, remind me of why in the last few months, counter to my normal self, I have not really wanted to make any big plans....and why I panic when I think about loosing anyone anytime soon.
Ok, I'm going to stop ranting now.