I made a decision Sunday night after a week and a half of ambivalence. I guess I should give some background information before I talk about my decision... While in New Orleans I hurt myself by punching something on one of the jobs we were doing, then got really down about screwing up and kinda wishing I had cut instead because of where I was and the connection to bob. When I got home, I told my best friend and she said that it didn't sound like SI; and for a few days I really tried to believe that it wasn't...but my head kept telling me otherwise because of all the motivation and intention behind hurting. Then for a few days I got really down because I was thinking that I have to start all over and blah blah blah, negative thoughts on Chris days. But then Sunday night, standing in a parking lot with a friend, after crying my eyes out over another situation and wanting to hurt so maybe the emotional pain wouldn't be so intense, I made a decision. I decided that if I can go without hurting again until June 26th I'm still going to celebrate a year; because saying it's all over after one slip is a ton of pressure. And if I can make it a year with ONE slip...that's great...and then the next year..maybe I can go the whole year. but it doesn't seem fair to me to make everything hinge on one time, one day...if I make it it will be 364 days of no SI and that's good.
SO...2 months, 21 days, and 51 minutes (so it will be the 27th) til we can party....I hope.

The last week or so I have been telling myself that i need to write about everything that happened in New Orleans and what I learned/took away from the experience; but I realized that is really hard to do...there was so much, and I still haven't really processed most of it. Of course part of the reason is probably the fact that I haven't really slept very good since I got home.
BUT Anyway. there is something I did kind of realize that I think I can process and talk about. I realized that I have started again letting people's responces tell me wether or not I make the cut in the area of attractiveness. Now granted,this has always been a rough area for me, because of what I have always learned "beautiful" meant; but like last semester I had got to a point where I found myself "ok", I don't know that I would have called myself "beautiful", but it wouldn't have bugged me too much if others didn't find me so attractive. But the last little bit that has not been the case. I realized over the break that right now I really don't feel attractive at all; and I am not sure exactly why, or how to re-gain that confidence I had before, but I know I need it back.
This doesn't seem to make sense when I re-read this....I'm sorry.