Those nights-Skillet



This song reminds me of my best friend, Emily. I'm not sure that she will ever really know how many times she has saved me in the past. She came into my life five years ago, at a time when I had given up hope for so many things; and when we parted that first week, I came a way with one over arching thought....I'm not alone, someone understands.
Since that first week our relationship has been to hell and back; but she has given me so much. She helped me find and remember the courage to find freedom. She was the first person ever, that I laid my life out before without the million and two security codes; and she still told me that I was ok. She is the sister that I never had. She loves deeply, she can somehow make me smile even when that's the last thing I want. She has shown me what real love and mercy is; and I can never repay her for that.

Love you Em.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. It felt like from really early in the morning that everything was going wrong. And I heard this song twice yesterday, and both times were when I probably needed to hear it the most because I felt like I was in a really dark place. And though the song didn't really make me feel better either time, I think in some way it did help.

Katy Perry-Firework

"Do you want change?"

In the title is the question that I was asked last night by Rae. When she asked, the thing that came to my mind, was self-injury...and the only thing that I could answer was "I don't know".
The past month has been more of a temptation to hurt than it has been in a long time...well since I stop cutting back in June.
But back to the question and the processing of my brain last night. Do I want change?, or in reference to what my brain thought of, Do I want to live without cutting or hurting myself? The answer from last night "I don't know" and here is the reason why: I seem split on the issue; part of me says that I am stronger than this and that I can live without it, the other part says that I have never felt this much pain and not had a way to make it stop and because of that I can't live without it occurring someday (if not today).
The last time I felt this much pain, was when I walked away from my best friend because that's what I thought I had to do to "follow God" and "be good"; but I knew that if I went back to her, that the pain would stop. I can't just "go back" to Dale. He's not coming back; and he will probably never know how much he helped me or that I (I hope) graduated College or anything. He won't know that I am anymore more than a stupid, lost girl, who can't seem to get past all of the shit that seems to have caused most of the people in her world to give up and write her off the list of people who will or have accomplished something in their lives.
Yes there is a part of me that wants to hope that there is life beyond self-injury, that my mind won't always to go that when stressed or in a lot of pain or just really emotional of any sort; but at the same time, especially with the last month (last six months) being so emotional for me, I don't want to be without the...at least option to hurt because I don't think I can live forever with this hole produced by Dale's death without cutting.
At his funeral I promised Dale that I would try to figure my life out, I would try to figure God out, and I would try to make him proud of me. And I think that might be partly why I have tried so far to not hurt (beyond a part of me wanting to not do it); and why maybe I am stressing so much over school...because I don't want to let him down. I don't want him to be wrong. I don't want, in the end, to be found out to really be a stupid, incompetent, lost, crazy girl who can't ever get past...her past.
I want to be strong, and brave, and intelligent, and capable; but I feel right now like at every turn where one these have been tested, I fail miserably which says to be that maybe Dale wasn't as smart as I thought he was, maybe he really did miss it with me and wasted his hope on something that wasn't worth it.
Do I want things to change? Yes, absolutely; but do I think it will? Doubtful.

I am supposed to be writing about my stupid research (that I currently dislike very very very much) and explaining, what we did, why we did it, and why the fuck anyone else in the world (especially in the world of psychology should give two shits about it) but the only thing that comes to my head is some coherent fashion is the idea of wasting 30 minutes of my life cutting in the attempts that MAYBE it will cause to me relax and possibly, just maybe, make me creative in such a way that I don't look like a complete moron when I have to turn this stupid paper in tomorrow.
I know it is just a draft and maybe I shouldn't be stressing this out so much, but I can't think, I can't write and everything I do write comes out complete shit

I can't do this.