"Daddy Dale"

I met Dale McCown when I was 16, and I didn't think much of him then. To me, he was a weird guy with crazy ideas who just might have been borderline obsessive about the Hogs; the only thing he seemed good for was being really the only adult in my life who knew how to be a kid and have fun. Although I didn't really trust Dale much and thus pretty much avoiding and ignored him the first part of our relationship, there was a part of me that understood him to a point and in some ways respected him. Little did I know at that time, that he would go on to be the first man that I can honestly say that I trusted and loved. Speaking of firsts, Dale was the first person in my life, first adult anyway, that I trusted enough to tell about one of my biggest struggles, at the time; and for which he could have gotten me into trouble but didn't.
A few years after I met him, Dale came back into my life with his wife who I call "Rae" (I later found out that he had prayed for such a reunion, upon hearing this I broke down crying in shock that someone would care so much about me at a time when I had thought that practically the world had give up on me, while at the same time thought "Is he really insane? why would he want me back in his life?!). Over a period of months and many, many encounters where I got to see Dale just be Dale (in the "safe zone" I needed him to be in: happily married), Dale and his wife, became what they called "spiritual parents" to me...in my vocabulary, I just saw them as weird, crazy, cool people who had somehow found their way into my well guarded heart and became like second parents to me.
Though I could tell so many stories of Dale, some just funny and entertaining (him swinging onto the stage for a play performance), to what I would classify as disturbing, to heart felt and just sweet, one of the stories that sticks out to me at the moment is one that happened a couple of years ago. It is also an example of how in one evening with Dale and Rae can turn my view of how the world and life is "supposed" to work completely upside down and confuse the hell out of me. I was helping him and Rae set up for this ministry thing they got me to come to; and in the process I, being my clumsy self, knocked over a drink that was sitting on the table. My instant reaction (whether it was noticed by Dale and Rae or not) was to freeze and wait for the yelling to start; but after a second when no yelling ensued, we all began cleaning up the spill, after which I left the room to try to get alone and deal with the complete weirdness of the event in my head (and more privately write the event on a list in my head for which I planned to punish myself for later). A little while later, after set up was done, Dale came out to me and said something like "Hey, about that spill earlier *me tensing again*, don't worry about it. A mistake doesn't mean failure" Then he hugged me and said something like "we still love you"; which put me a little more at easy and took the event off the previously mentioned check list.
In a lot of ways, Dale brought consistence into my life at a time when pretty much everything seemed random and uncertain. I could count on a few things happening every time I saw or talked to Dale (no matter what the reason, good or bad) 1. He would always greet me with "Hey mighty woman of valor" and a smile 2. at some point, and pretty much always after telling him of yet another screw up, he would say "I'm proud of you" and 3. He would always end a conversation with "I love you, and keep in touch." I never really understood why Dale would have said any of these things to me, even after he explained why. I guess I can't see what he did. But non-the-less, for reasons unknown to me, Dale became a father figure for me in too many ways to count. He showed me what intense faith was even in times of uncertainty, what love was (both for other people and for his wife and family), the difference between punishment and correction/discipline, he showed me that real men cry and are sensitive and can be empathetic and he tried to show me that I was worth the time to love and to be known beyond my failures, even if I never really got that lesson. From being around Dale, at one point I started to wonder if maybe all his talk about how God was sweet and loving was true. I hadn't known any man up to that point to really ever act the way Dale did...he even sincerely apologized to me and anyone else he hurt when he messed up, he didn't just brush it off as something that was a part of his personality, he worked to make his mis-steps right and change them. And the only reason he ever gave me for acting so weird like this is that he was trying to be like the God/Jesus he read about in the bible, the God he put all his faith and life into serving.
Well on May 19, 2010, Dale, who in the last year or so I started affectionately calling "Daddy Dale" died, or Rae would call it "promoted", suddenly in accident. When I first heard the news from a friend, I practically without saying the exact words called her a liar, and for the rest of the night I laid on the couch in shock and denial not talking to anyone and upset that I couldn't contact Rae (upset only because that just confirmed to me what I had been told). The next few days went by in a haze without really knowing all that happened. The day of the viewing, the shock wore off for a couple hours as reality slapped me in the face. I felt pain like I have never felt before and for the first time in my life; I truly knew how much this crazy hog fan meant to me. I began feeling guilty over the last conversation I had had with Dale, and in some stupid way kinda felt that maybe that conversation caused him to worry and stress over me and because of that he had the heart attack that cost him his life.
Sine then, this past month has been a roller-coaster of feelings and memories, some good and funny others painful and sad. But all of which has led me to kind of shut down. Until last week I couldn't even say the words "Dale died", and until now, I didn't really know what to say and even now I don't really know how I feel even though I'm crying. I shut down for several reasons 1. I didn't know what to say or what I was feeling 2. I didn't think anyone wanted to hear me cry and be sad over a man who to the rest of the world was just a really good friend. 3. I didn't know who to turn to And 4. I felt that if I pulled myself away from everyone I cared for that it wouldn’t hurt so bad when/if I lost any of them; so I shut down and began to try to cope with this loss as best as I know how, which unfortunately isn't really the best of methods. The only other way I found to kinda cope with this, at least to distract me for a time from my real coping mechanism, was/is sometimes when the pain and numbness balance out I will listen to what I have dubbed "Dale's song" because it is the song to speaks the words I always heard him say. The song is "I believe in you" by Stephen Curtis Chapman.
But this is kinda my attempt at telling my story of Dale (or part of it, as I saw it), what he has meant to me, and what I have been going through the last month.

I love you so much Dale, I’ll try to make you proud of me; and hopefully see you soon.