Thoughts

This is when I know my brain is in over drive, when even after taking melatonin, I can't sleep.

This past month has changed my life; and I know that no matter how much I try or want it to be, it will never be the same again. Yesterday was Father's Day, and it was really bitter-sweet to me because I didn't have My Dale to wish happy father's Day to. But it was sweet cuz I was thinking about how he had impacted my life and forever changed it. I just wish that he wouldn't have.... transferred... so early...there's so much he can't be here for now.
But that's not what this is about, not really. It's not really why I can't sleep tonight. I can't sleep cuz I'm thinking about this past month and how I'm really scared that this past 3-6 years have not been what they appeared and that they only appeared that cuz Dale wanted them to.
It's what I do on some level every time I'm hurt, but it kinda surprised me to do it now; though I don't know why cuz this has been the most painful thing in my life because for the first time in my life (really) I lost someone who I knew without a doubt loved me (for me even though he knew all the bad stuff about me). It wasn't like I lost something that was supposed to love me even they didn't (even though that really really hurts too).
But this past month, I've basically pulled completely away from everyone...just basically going to surface level relationship. And I have done this especially with one person, Dale's wife...my Rae.
I am not too sure why I have pulled away from everyone else, maybe cuz they won't really understand, or they aren't close enough to help me so I don't want to bother them. But Rae, I'm scared to talk to her. 1. As already mentioned, part of me is afraid that she was just play acting for Dale's benefit; and 2. In the last month I have put up so many editing rooms because either I want to try to protect Rae or cuz I'm scared she is just play acting and will leave if I'm honest; that if I talk to Rae, I don't say anything.
A couple weeks ago, she was asking me some questions like how am I and stuff, and I just said "I don't know" and she was like "if you don't want to talk or if I am prying just tell me and I will stop" and I told her it was ok to pry but I still didn't change my answer. If she has been in my head, she would have heard the answer mixed in with all this fear and me telling myself that I have to be x, y, and z for her; but I'm too scared to tell her all that. I can't even write it down on paper to read to her or anything. Now when I am around her I have become like a statue without a mouth...My face and I might try to say a million things, but my mouth stays shut and I say nothing.
All the while, I'm screaming inside for a vent for all this pain. I never thought someone could hurt like this and still be alive. I thought surely either the pain would stop or one would die (seems more merciful than the pain). But when I really think about it, I know why I can't let go of bob again right now. He is not serving the purpose he always did of executioner right now, it's not for guilt or punishment; its more of a warm blanket that I can curl up in and be away from the pain for a little while. He's being sweet right now, I know in my head that he can be really, really, ugly mean; but right now he's helping and being sweet.