Anyone alive in there?

have you ever driven a car when your brain felt like it was on auto pilot? I have, and it doesn't feel very good, you start hoping that your auto pilot program knows what it is doing.
So a lot has happened mentally with me in the last several hours today. around 4 or 5 today I had a fleeting thought that even when I have been emotional, there is still apart of me who most of the time bottles up 90% of my emotions; and that could be part of the cause for why I am so frustrated and edgy the last month or two (and why I can't get self-destructive thoughts out of my head). Well after that, I kinda went into a zone/on auto pilot and was calculating my stuff to figure out what I needed in case one of my self-destruct phases were to occur. And so I went to the store with the intention of buy some more bandages and clean supplies, but I couldn't buy them...it was weird it was like this huge part of me (the part controlling the auto pilot at the time) was screaming to get the stuff and do it but the other part of me was like "eh, why? It will just be a mess I have to clean up later" (really ambivalent to the idea); and that conflict was extremely irritating and I wanted to basically let the uglier side of me out and to force myself to do it because I knew in doing so (despite the complications after) I would release some of the pent up crap inside but I guess the whole trying to respect myself thing kinda wore off on me because I basically felt myself say that it wasn't fair to make myself do something if I wasn't 100% in agreement.
SO...I left the store and went to church (don't ask why). And for a minute, when a friend ask what was wrong because she had noticed me zoning, I was in the present and not zoning and told her some of my current irritation and as she was talking back I started getting emotional. But instead of feeling it, I felt myself swallow the emotion. The next thing that happened was what I call basically a system failure, I didn't just "zone" it was as if my brain shut down and I (the litter operator man in the control room) was sitting in the dark in a non-functioning robot waiting for/hoping for the power to return because manually overriding all the commands was extremely exhausting. And that is how I spent most of church, disconnected to who I was, where I was, and what I was seeing and hearing. Then a few minutes before I left the power came back on and I was back to full function; it was strange.