I wish I could tell you....

One day I will get out there to see him and say this. WARNING: This could possibly be triggering for those who have lost people.

Dear Daddy D:

I miss you sooo much. It's kinda funny, when I met you at 16...I told myself I would never let anyone really close enough to hurt me; and now 8 years later...I have only experienced the pain of loosing someone as close as you once in my life; but I got them back cuz the other person was Em and we started talking again. But we can't just start talking again, and that hurts really, really bad...sometimes I really don't know what to do without you here.
It seems like a ton has happened since you left. I'm not going to tell you about the first month after you left because it would make you sad. But after that, I finished my last semester of my undergrad, and designed and worked on this psychology project that might get published. I thought that was pretty cool; but it was also really hard because when I had to write the research paper, I had massive writers block and almost gave up and just quit school because I didn't think I could pass; but I did pass (not the paper, but overall).
After you left I told Rae that I have quit trying to be straight, it hurt too much trying and I was tired of coming home and crying for hours cuz it wasn't working. So I quit, and am just trying to focus on understanding God and like being honest with Him and we will see what happens. I don't think Rae took the news very well....her and I haven't talked much really since you left. It just doesn't feel right anymore...like I try to tell her something and it comes out wrong or something and she just doesn't get it, it almost feels like you were our translator and now we are trying to do it without an interpreter. I don't know how you could seemly understand so much about me, but somehow you could and I miss that. So yea, Rae and I don't talk much anymore; and part of me feels bad for that, cuz she's like a mom to me; but at the same time, when I'm around her and feel the tension between us I feel like its my fault and I don't know how to fix it...so I just stay away.
2011 has been interesting. as of right now, I have gone like 8 1/2 months without hurting; only 3 1/2 more til I make it to a year :D but sometimes it seems easier to just give in to it, I know it wont fix anything but yea...and it also kinda sucks that the year mark is in June because like all my friends are going to be out of town then and I can't celebrate like I planned because I had planned to ask you and Rae if maybe we could celebrate on the weekend or something and see if you could make your nachos and just hang cuz I made it to a year...but you know...so...I don't know what I am going to do now and part of me doesn't really care about it anymore.
But, on to other news, I am job hunting...not going so great. I also found a girl I like, but that probably won't go anywhere. She says she doesn't want anything, so we are just friends; but yea...you wouldn't be happy if you heard the whole story. But right now, it's fun...kinda bummy cuz I like her and stuff; but hey...respecting what she wants is more important to me.
A few months ago Rae gave me some of your clothes, she gave me the Starbucks Jesus shirt and your really cool razorback black hoodie. When I first got them I was scared to wash them because they smelled like you, but then I had to cuz they started not smelling like you at all. When I first got the hoodie, I slept in it cuz when I closed my eyes I could almost feel you holding me again. So now, when I miss you a lot, I put on your hoodie, cuddle up, close my eyes, and pretend you are holding me (and sometimes, it almost feels like you are there, I know that sounds crazy, but yea).
Since you left, I have tried really hard to make you proud of me. And I have tried to keep my promise to you that I made at your -thing- to try to figure all this out and make you proud; but I don't think I have been doing that good of a job. Like with God, there's definitely prospect there; but a lot of times I feel more lost than ever...but then other times, He seems to be kinda cool. But the last time we talked, you said that God would do what I needed Him to do; and you have been right about a lot of stuff, so I'm just going to keep trying to be real with Him and myself and see where I end up. And I have some really cool friends that have been helping me with that too...and just helping me in general because it was hard trying to stay focused with school and stuff and it's still hard now. One day you will meet them, they are really cool; one of those friends is Emily...if it hadn't been for her, 'specially in the beginning, I don't think I would have made it this far; the others are from church (the one on campus), but it would take way too long to tell you about all of them; just trust me...they are super cool.
I love you so much, thank you for believing in me, I miss you