Nine more days and I will reach a month; but I still don't know how I feel about it. I don't want...well I don't know what I really want. I don't know which was better, the desire now or the desire after several months....they both feel the same to me. I know I am being selfish right now and that that pisses some people off; but sometimes I don't see the point. A friend told me a while back that the point of fighting, the point of recovery, is so that I didn't loose myself. But...it seems like I can't really be me anyway except for just a few situations or with certain people. So, part of me wants to believe that hiding one more part can't kill me; that I can always try starting recovery again when I can finally be me and not just half me. Of course there is that side of me that thinks "Well, what if you can't stop then?"

I don't know. maybe I'm just being an idiot right now.