Vulnerable

Lizzy,

There are times when I think I understand what drove her to hurt you. Whether it was because she felt overwhelmed, or because she was really depressed; or maybe even because for whatever reason she did not like you...maybe she did hate you. I do not know the reason, but sometimes I can understand maybe how those feelings can drive a person to that point. and the fact that I do have those times of maybe understanding, scares me.

I'm sorry I hurt you today. I know how every time I do hurt you that you think of her; and how you think maybe she was right, that maybe you deserve the pain, that maybe you are not good enough. I'm sorry. I do not want you to think that, and I do not want me to remind you of her. I know it's hard and I know you are trying. I'm sorry for the pain that I put you through and I'm sorry I make you feel stupid and not worth anything; and I'm sorry that I shame you. It's hard for me to, sometimes I believe she was right too, and sometimes I do think you are stupid and worthless; and I'm sorry for that.

Lizzy, I'm sorry I haven't protected you like I should. I'm the only one who will always be there, so if I don't protect you, who will? I'm sorry that I hurt you and all the while telling you that you are bad and stupid and deserve the pain because of that. I'm sorry that sometimes I don't let you eat because you eat something that triggers a fear in me. I'm sorry that I don't tell you enough that you that you are pretty and that you have gorgeous eyes....instead I only remind you of how much you look like her and how that is bad and deserving of punishment even though you could never change how you looked. I'm sorry I don't remind you how smart you are; instead I just always tell you when you mess up or do badly on a project or test. I'm sorry I tell you that you can't express emotion. I'm sorry that instead of saying that your emotion is a sign of your tender and compassionate heart which would in turn make you completely different from her; that I tell you that emotions are a weakness and that by express them, you prove her right in that you aren't good enough or strong enough.

Liz, I can't promise that I'll never hurt you again; but I'm trying to to remember that she was wrong. I'm trying to remember that it isn't really your fault when you try so hard and it still doesn't seem to work; that's not your fault, that's just life. I hope that one day I can say that I love you and that I'm proud of you. I've got a long way to go, but I'm trying.

Christen