The things I wish I could tell you

Every time I hear you talk about all the stuff you believe; it comes off as hate. I do think you are a fucking racist, prejudicial prick. I don't believe that you "act racist" and shit because you want to get a rise out of me; I just think that you are in denial of the prejudice and hatred you hold.There is so much I want to tell you, but there is a part of me that is afraid you will kill me after you find out. I would like tell you that all my life I have thought you were a pansy because you have never stood up and told mom that she needs help, you have always just fucking said shit like "that's how she is" and just justified her actions. When I was little, before I realized that you were such a fucking pansy, I respected you. You were my hero. And since then...you just keep loosing my respect.Right now, I kind of of want to be able to tell you what June 13th or August 28th means to mean. There is a part of me that would love to be able to celebrate the 10 and a 1/2 months that I have gone with you. Part of me wants to tell you that when you make comments about me eating, that it makes me feel SO ALONE because I already feel like I disappoint mom because of her comments, so when you say stuff like she does...it hurts soo bad.I wish I could tell you that it hurts every time that I think of my future, because I know that if you never find out that you will no longer be a part of my future...I'm scared to loose your love because there is a part of me that still would like to see you as my superman...the guy who used to carry me to bed after falling asleep on your pillow, the guy who protected me from the thunder and lightening, and the guy who used to call me your "angel".Every time you talk to your friends and and they ask if I am with anyone and you tell them that I am keeping my options open and stuff; I want to tell you that I have been in love once and that I hope one day I can be again. I wish I could tell you who it was, but I don't ever see that happening.I wish I could tell you why I just roll my eyes when someone in the family asks me why I am not married or makes some dumb assed comment about a "hot guy". I wish I could tell you how much it hurts when you say hurtful, derogatory, and hateful things about gay people....I wish I could tell you why it hurts so much. I am gay. I'm never going to have the ideal life you thought I would have. Yet I am afraid you will never hear these words...and if you do as I have already said, I am terrified that you will hate me, that instead of being your angel that I will be come a demon in your eyes, or worse yet that you will see it as an attack to your faith and that you will think you will have to defend it.I used to love you, to respect you; and now, now I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when superman was here.I'm ok with me and I wish i share me with you