As my last post indicates. I have been thinking about SI and other bad things a lot this week. I think it is primarily due to the fact that I am extremely stressed out right now; but still the fact remains. And in particular I have been thinking about Bob. Sometime in October or November of this year will be the 5th year since I've seen Bob and as of August 28th it will have been the last time we...talked and stuff. Anyway, the last few days I have been thinking about all this, even to the point of dreaming about it; and right now....only the good things are really coming to mind.
I know at some point when my mind clears I will remember the bad times Bob and I had and how if I ever see him again that the odds are that he will kill me. But right now, all I can manage to think about is his sweet, comforting scent....and well the good things I found in our time together. And today it all kind of converged with the thought that one time in an entire year isn't bad...and since it can't be Bob that it will be even less bad.
LOL I have even thought that maybe giving in just once, whether with Bob or his friend, might make me feel bad cuz I broke my only real goal for the year...so I even contemplating pissing someone off so that they would beat me up...then I couldn't feel guilty for breaking my promise to myself.
And right now, distractions aren't even helping with trying to get my mind off him.