All my life, I have been afraid of something. I've been afraid of the people who would hurt me and those who would if they had the chance. But I have also been afraid of something deeper, something I could never really understand but at the same time desperately tried to get away from. This deeper thing scares me even more than any of the horrible awful things that I have been through or fear going through; because the deeper thing....is my genes, my blood....and I can't ever get away from that without destroying myself.
All my life I have been terrified that I have inherited whatever it was that She had that...that set in motion the events that happened. I am scared of what the future might hold. I am scared because of the many similarities of mine and Her's pasts that maybe I am doomed to share in her other failures. And for years, I tried numerous methods to extract this monster from my body (now seemingly just to follow in Her mistakes). I am scared that if I am blessed with a family that I will pass on the curse I have received.
But today I was thinking about my life; and came up with some thoughts. Her and I might have similar pasts; but I am not her. Where She lied and tried to deny and cover up her failures; I am trying to admit and face mine. Where She took what she learned from Her family (mother, father, etc) and seemed to merely repeat some of those onto Her family; I am trying to take the good and leave the bad. Where She used aggression and violence as a way of release (on Herself and others); I am trying to teach myself how to love myself and to find OK ways to vent and release feelings that I am not able to express at times. And yes, I may fail. I may end up hurting someone, or myself again; BUT even if I do fail...maybe I can still say that I am not like Her because even if I fail, even if I don't make it to a year.....I at least tried right? I did not just say that it's who I am or because of the shit I have been through or someone else's fault. And if I do somehow end up hurting someone, it is not like I intended it, and I would try to make appropriate reporations. I still have compassion and a heart that WANTS to help (even if I get it wrong sometime s)
So maybe I am already not like Her, which