The Image

Tonight I went out dancing with Nicole, a couple of her friends, and Kirstyn. It was fun. I found out (by experience) that one of Nicole's friends can read people; and toward the end of the night she read me.
She said my problem is in my head (that's old news heh), she said that I have this image of me that I can't get past and that I project it on to others to where I think that is what they see. But she says that what she saw was all love. When she first started talking I thought of the idea that I am hiding from a lot of people, but then when she said that the image is something that I think others see; a very specific image came to mind and I broke down crying right there in front of everyone (and if you know me, that is horrible for me). I got an image of -her-.
When I look at me, I see the hate, the violence, the lies....I see -her-. And even though in my head I know am not and hopefully never will be -her-, and that I am loving and compassionate, and tender hearted, and would give my life to save others.....somewhere deep inside I don't believe it yet. I guess a part of me keeps thinking that I am just wearing this loving mask, but that underneath I'm angry and hateful and violent and disgusting and an addict and a seductive whore and...just over all evil.
When this image came to my mind I instantly got nauseated and I wanted to purge this image from my body....and that is why I am writing right now, because if I quit using my hands...well... I have a goal and if I can use this distraction to help me get through this night so that maybe I can reach that goal, I will. But it's not easy, I wish I knew how to make this image go away and to see myself the way my friends do.