Oliva Benson: ".... I never should have let him take me down there, 'cause I know better than that.....But now I… I feel… I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I feel like– I feel like he has– he stole something from me"

the quote is from Law and Order SVU episode where liv is talking to a therapist about her assault (or almost).  I was watching this episode today.  I remembed that liv went to a therapist for help, but I didn't remember what she said.  And i know this is fictional, but I started crying when I heard it; and now I'm edgy, and definately not in the mood for jokes....

Anyway, why I am writing this post.  I have two...events that occurred a few weeks apart.  The first one, nothing happened; yet I felt alone, helpless, and scared.  And there are alot "I never should" and "I know better"'s in that story.  The other story...also has the "I never should" but this one is the one that still has the question "what did I do/say/wear/whatever, that this happened?".

the first story, felt like a set up and even though I still ask all these questions sometimes and all the time feel like I don't have a right to feel how I do given that nothing by definition happened, most of the time, I think I can deal with that story...I still hate and sometimes panic walking alone/going out at night, and I don't talk to guys a lot...especially about me, and there are very few guys I trust to be alone with, especially at night; and I don't ever want to see that place or those involved again; but I don't have the same reaction I did 2 years ago, when it all started hitting me again.  I've also talked about it more I guess.

it's the second story that I still can't seem to talk about with myself, let alone anyone else that still makes me cringe and feel dirty and stupid even though again, not much happened and I should have known better.  But even with that story I don't feel like I really have a right to feel like I do.  I keep saying nothing happened but I can't deny that I'm not the same person I was before these stories happened.

The sick thing about it all, is sometimes I feel like these stories are in someway pay back, that I deserved them.

Anyway, that is my vent.....