Let me just start off by saying that my head is thinking 2 million thoughts right now and I could take this post in any one of those directions. But I am going to try to pick one and stick to it.
A week from Saturday will be 8 months, and even that seems like a dream. In the last 8 months, I have gotten really scared that none of this is real, that someday I will wake up and it will be the night before Katrina and I will realize that I have finally caused my end....that I'm dying.
I'm scared I will never get to a year, that it's too far away, that with the increase in triggers that my will to fight will fail and I'll give in again. But I'm also scared of what it might cost me so that I can make it to a year; but that's really another topic.
Tonight while with some friends I got slightly triggered. This trigger was not new for me so I knew how to ride it out; but for several minutes my mind flashed back scanning my memories of him. And during those moments, I felt my body begin to crave it...the memories were all there the feel, smell, sound, everything...and for those few moments I had the thought that I haven't consciously had since 11 grade (probably one of my worse times). The thought? "I wish I was a Franciscan monk"
As I said at the beginning, my thoughts are all over the place and seem to be in a sort of a gridlock where one thought or topic leads to another then to another; and I don't want this to go on forever...so I guess I will end with the intended point of this...I'm both scared of never making to a year and/or it being a dream as well as making it there because in my mind at least, I might be gaining control in this area; but it feels like I am loosing it in others and that scares me a lot. I won't expound on that because that will mean going into another topic.