Thoughts

My mind feels like it is spinning out of control right now; if it had it's way I would combine my two obsessions and deal with whatever consequences may follow.

This has probably been the worst Christmas since my first Christmas which I spend in the hospital with IVs stuck all in me (if you don't know, I have a phobia of needles). I can kinda relate to Dave Peltzer, the author of A Child called it, when he talks about "mommy" and "The Mother"...like how "mommy" is all sweet and loving and caring where "the Mother" is the abusive, name calling, hurtful lady who didn't see Dave as her son but as an object or an animal to be used and trained in whatever methods would work. Except will me, the terms are a little different. As I got older "mommy" and "The Mother" become "mom" or "mother" and "The Monster"....you never know which you will wake up to each day "mommy" or "The Mother/ The monster" or what will trigger "The Mother/ The monster" so you always feel as if you are walking on egg shells and when you get "hit/bit" by "The Mother/ The monster", you say nothing and retreat into your private space where you lick your wounds and clumsedly stich yourself up however you know how.
Of course writing all this down where others may read it is a major breach of edicate for which, if found out, may cost me...but this really isn't for the reader anyway. It's more for me, trying to understand, grasp, and release some of the feelings that I have been holding inside while trying to keep the almost holy unspoken rules of editcate and protocol that I have grown up with.
But it is because of all that I have said along with all of the events from the past several weeks that causes me to feel as if my mind is going out of control.