I've always been a fan of knives, and sharping them has always had a odd calming effect on me (maybe it comes from hearing the blade slide against the sharping blades)...ANYWAY. The last month to a month and a half, my interest has kinda grown into almost an obsession. Lately I have had a big fascination with knifes (in whatever form they come). I have sharpened all my knives, I have really enjoyed looking at and holding any knives I get around...basically as I said, kinda obsessed. So I thought I would write about it here and maybe that would calm the obsession.
Earlier today I was thinking about my goal that I have, sort of a new year's resolution (that I set before new year's); and part of me started questioning it. My goal, set back about the same time as my "dear bob" blog, is to make it to a year without bob or better known as self-injury. And to accomplish that goal via the smaller goal of 7 months (which, if accomplished will be a personal record for me). But earlier today I was asking myself if there was a point to reaching that goal. I started thinking that probability would argue that even if I made it to my 7 month goal (just a week away) that I probably wouldn't make it much more than that, so why continue to reach 7 months?
I know that this is an addiction, I am finally starting to understand that; and in many ways it scares me to think that the thing that I thought I controlled (my self-injury) might really be controlling me. And maybe that is the reason I should continue toward my goal...to prove that the addiction doesn't control me or to beat the addiction that is controlling me (which ever it is). But it seems kinda pointless at times..
I don't know, this is just my thoughts from today...probably most of which is the addiction speaking; but maybe it's good to get the thoughts out even if they are dumb.
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