People like to ask the question "where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?" And personally, I have always hated that question, because though I do have dreams and I know what I would WANT to have in 5-10 years; I don't know that it will happen.  The only time I felt comfortable answering this question was the year after I entered college; because I knew even if I hated every single minute of it I was not going to back down from the committment I made to an education; and that within that 10 year mark, I was going to have some kind of degree in my head whether that be a Associates, Bachelors, or a Masters, it would be a degree.  Two out of three isn't bad right?  And once I stepped past my fear (the last 3 years of school), I had fun doing it to (most of the time).
But this blog isn't about the future, because what the future holds...well, only God knows.  I am not sure why I want to do this, but I want to...this blog is what I would say to myself if I could go back 10 (technically 10 1/2 years) years ago and talk to myself, maybe it might be useful as a reminder to myself later.  So here goes.

Hey Beautiful,

I know you don't believe that line, I know that you only see your value through other peoples eyes; and that the eyes you are looking through right now makes you look not very valuable, loved, cared for, or accomplished.  The truth, though you can't see it, is that you are beautiful and that even though people have devalued you and told you through their words and actions that you aren't important or lovable; you are so very special and you are lovable and will find it one day.
Don't give up, never give up; I know that it feels like it's raining now and that sometimes you wonder if -she- was right..if you deserve to be here.  I know that sometimes you wonder if you should be here because you fear that you will turn into -her- one day, destroy the monster before it's unleashed, but -she- was wrong and you are NOT nor never will be -her-.  Yes you make mistakes, and you do things you aren't proud of and/or that you have to hide; but there is a major difference that you have...your heart.  Your heart loves even when it doesn't understand, it longs to love even when it hates; so don't stop trying, it will take a while but one day you won't hate what you do now.  I promise.
One day you will find that -it- isn't your only friend or the only one who cares about you.  Many others will come, love will find you and when it does it will break your heart but in a good way (I know you are asking "in a good way? how?").
One day you you will you won't need -it- like you do now, you will even dream of a day without -it-, it's true.  One day you won't always have to escape to survive; you'll make it.  It will get better, you will learn, grow, and find hope to move past these demons you face today.
I love you Chris, I don't always like what you do; but you really are a good kid.  I wish I could take your pain away and show you how strong you look in my eyes because of how you stand even while crumbling on the inside or how beautiful and courageous you will look when you get that glimpse of hope by reaching out and realizing you truly aren't alone in your pain.
Never give up babe, one day you will be the shoulder someone cries on.  They will come to YOU to be prayed for or to talk to, It does get better. And as I hope you will learn one day, a failure does NOT mean YOU are a failure; it means your human, and that's a good thing.

With all my heart
DERC