The Sunning

I just watched the movie called The Shunning based off the book by the same title by Beverly Lewis (for those that don't know she is a Christian author), evidently Lewis grew up in Lancaster county, Pennsylvania, aka Amish (which explains all her Amish themed books). 

But anyway.

I have never read the book, I looked at it once when it came out a few years ago and I didn't read it because It seemed boring to me.  But for whatever reason I rented it from red box today.  And right now, I am really glad that my parents are on their business trip and the girls were at school; because I cried my eyes out....and I am not all too sure why.

I know that I have fears that I don't like expressing (even if I try to tell myself that they are probably exaggerated), and I know I will never have the story I wish I had, or many of the answers that I long for.  And all of that could have played a role, because this movie (though set in an Amish world) parallels my life in several ways.
1. I'm adopted
2. I have been raised in a sheltered (as much as they could), and religious family
3. My parents didn't tell me the truth about my life and my past really until I was 18-21 (and only because I fell upon it and finally got the courage to ask them about it)
4. and I have a fear of essentially being shunned by all those I love and care about in life.  And even though I know now, that I won't loose "everyone"; I still fear at times I will loose the people who despite everything I still try to hold onto the most....my parents.

The movie and I assume the book tells a story of a girl who's birth mother was too young to really give her the life she wanted for her so she gave her to an Amish family,  a loving gesture.  Later in the movie, Katie (the main character) is shunned (basically cast out from the Amish world she knew).  My story's beginning was definitely not as loving and poetic as a young mother choosing to do what is best for her daughter instead of just thinking for herself.....Ok so maybe I need to give my biological mother so slack...she may have wanted what was best for me but didn't know how to go about it or maybe there was a part of her that loved so deeply that it wouldn't let her take the steps necessary to give me the story I now wish I had.  And as far as my ending, obviously I'm not there yet.  But I do have a fear of being cast out of the world I've known (and that isn't just talking about my "family")...and to some degree I have had/felt that experience....where the place I once called home became a place that I hated being at and only brought me a feeling of being diseased and feeling as if anyone in that place ventured to reach out to me, they would "catch it" too and would have to be cast out with me (which is the basic idea of shunning.  If someone is shunned, others in the community aren't allowed to speak or do anything with the shunned or that too will be shunned, according to the movie anyway).  But my fear of being shunned by my family...my mom, dad, brothers, and loosing contact with my niece and nephew (the ones I hang with most)....makes me hide.  And I know that is not really healthy for me, but I'm scared of having nothing...not really.
ANYWAY
this isn't about me, it's about my reaction to the movie.  I cried like a baby and basically thinking the whole time of the idea of shunning and my dad.  Why I care so much about the man, I don't know.  He has always had the reaction of Katie's father in that the past is in the past and right is right and wrong is wrong and nothing would get him to change his mind.  And he has hurt me (emotionally) more than once but because I wasn't/ and maybe still not ready to speak truth to him because of my fear....I have remained silent and attempt to hide the pain so he wouldn't see.
Shit.  I don't never know where I was going with all this....so whatever.
bye