All my life, I have been afraid of something. I've been afraid of the people who would hurt me and those who would if they had the chance. But I have also been afraid of something deeper, something I could never really understand but at the same time desperately tried to get away from. This deeper thing scares me even more than any of the horrible awful things that I have been through or fear going through; because the deeper thing....is my genes, my blood....and I can't ever get away from that without destroying myself.
All my life I have been terrified that I have inherited whatever it was that She had that...that set in motion the events that happened. I am scared of what the future might hold. I am scared because of the many similarities of mine and Her's pasts that maybe I am doomed to share in her other failures. And for years, I tried numerous methods to extract this monster from my body (now seemingly just to follow in Her mistakes). I am scared that if I am blessed with a family that I will pass on the curse I have received.
But today I was thinking about my life; and came up with some thoughts. Her and I might have similar pasts; but I am not her. Where She lied and tried to deny and cover up her failures; I am trying to admit and face mine. Where She took what she learned from Her family (mother, father, etc) and seemed to merely repeat some of those onto Her family; I am trying to take the good and leave the bad. Where She used aggression and violence as a way of release (on Herself and others); I am trying to teach myself how to love myself and to find OK ways to vent and release feelings that I am not able to express at times. And yes, I may fail. I may end up hurting someone, or myself again; BUT even if I do fail...maybe I can still say that I am not like Her because even if I fail, even if I don't make it to a year.....I at least tried right? I did not just say that it's who I am or because of the shit I have been through or someone else's fault. And if I do somehow end up hurting someone, it is not like I intended it, and I would try to make appropriate reporations. I still have compassion and a heart that WANTS to help (even if I get it wrong sometime s)
So maybe I am already not like Her, which

Mirror

I'm not sure why exactly but since the beginning of the year, I have been looking/seeing the similarities that come with the genetics that I was born with. And when I think about it too much I find I have a mixture of emotions ranging from fear to disgust and anger. This is weird for me because during the times that I am feeling these things it seems like a contradiction to who I am as a person. When I don't think about these things, when they don't come to mind, I'm happy. since October, I've began enjoying some of the things that I used to despise....dressing up, make up, doing things I would label "girly"....so yeah, you get the point.

Anyway, I was listening to my ipod and the song Mirror came on and all this above stuff came up. But or as a question of "The mirror tells you that aren't good and definitely not good enough for anything. That to be good/good enough you have to...not be you; that you can't look like you, that you are sick and disgusting to the core of your being. But what if the mirror is wrong? What if you're genes don't set your entire future in stone? What if you can look like someone you really don't like and still be you...happy, loving, compassionate, helpful you?"

I don't know how to answer any of these questions. Although sometimes I can honestly says that I don't hate myself anymore and during those times I don't want to do bad things to myself; there are still many times when I think the mirror is right. I want to answer "yes, you're right" to the questions; but I still find myself saying "but I am dirty and disgusting and I need to make it better. I'm too fat, too stupid, too lazy, too bad; I have to fix it, to make myself not be all those things."

Will I ever be able to see past the thing in the mirror?

Going to hell

I was just listening to the song 'from the inside' by linkin park; and right now that's how I feel.

Now on to explain my title. Last night, I talked to a person who...not knowing what else to say...was/is kind of like a mentor to me. And in our hour long conversation it basically came out that she believes that if I don't start trusting God again that I'm going to hell. That's not such a big surprise to me, according to numerous people I am going to hell for basically everything else in my life, so....whatever I guess. I don't know how to trust Him (God). Practically everything in my life says that God is just playing with me and that....well I won't go into that because that next thought just makes me angry.

But anyway. I have a million thoughts in my head and they are all trying to figure out how to express them self.

I have friends that love me and I don't know why but having them love me, having them truly care....makes me happy even in all the confusion. I think of those friends and smile, because I know that no matter what they are there and remind me that I am wrong when my mind tells me all the stupid shit that it does like that my blood is dirty because of who I share it with and that if I ever wish to be free of that that I need to extract it from my body and burn it.

I am ok. I'm confused about a lot; but I know I'm not crazy and I know I am not evil. Life goes on, I will come to understand my questions (or give them up one); and I can have hope for a future with a 'family' who truly offers unconditional love.

Am I gooing crazy?

I'm confused and I think I might be going insane; or that something is wrong with me. I have so many questions right now and I really doubt anyone really has an answer to any of them; but instead of just forgetting about these mysterious question which probably will never be answered, I have now begun asking myself....and I think it's making me crazy. Part of me would like to have someone to "ask" (in quotes because I am not expecting an answer, but just mainly so I can say it out loud so maybe I can know that I am not insane) all these questions to; but I don't know who to ask because everyone has their own lives and I don't want to bother or burden them with my confusion (not to mention the fact that I don't think there is an answer so why ask).
I'm going to end this now or I will start asking questions; and if I start asking I'm afraid this blog will never end.
So bye.

Tonight I am going out to eat with my family for Mark's birthday, and I find myself in a conflict.
On the one hand, I think back to everything this week and really want to continue that even with all the possible repercussions. I want to continue because this week felt great. I felt more focused, energetic, motivated, happy, and I really looked forward to my lunch and dinner (I was never really awake to care about breakfast).
On the other hand, I know what's happening and I know where it can lead and all the repercussions. I know what others would say I 'should' be doing, yet at the same time.....this week felt like heaven to me; and honestly...right now the thought of going back (even if not completely back) to where I was before....scares the crap out of me.
I don't want to give up heaven even if it's illogical.
Ok, I don't know what the point of this was.

Realizations from the road from Chicago...

sorry if this doesn't all flow right lol

Since my emotions kind of re-emerged a couple of years ago, the outward emotional expression for me seems to be crying, especially in cases when I am angry or frustrated.
I guess in some ways this can be explained in that since anger is such an intense emotion it has to be coupled with an intense reaction or release, ie: crying; but crying makes me feel weak and stupid. And when I cry when I am angry (or really any emotion besides sadness) then I just feel that much more weak and stupid because it seems like the crying says that I can’t control myself; and if nothing else, that is the one think I should be able to control…myself.
Every time I feel this incongruence, I begin feeling the urge to go back to him and to cut every single traitorous tear that dares to fall away from me. I have this reaction because of my belief about crying (in reference to myself anyway). I don’t know how I feel about crying when I am actually sad (when crying is warranted); but to cry at other times is strictly forbidden and to let it go unpunished feels like a crime.
78 days seems to appear farther and farther away with each day even though reality tells me that it is getting closer.
It’s stupid when regret builds for something I should be proud of….


I realized something this week. Even when I am sick I can become competitive very, very easily. If you didn’t know, I got really sick this week with the stomach flu while in Chicago. I had to miss the bulls game as a result. Anyway, I am getting a little off topic. Yesterday, when I started feeling a little better, I started looking back at my intake for the last couple of days. And as stupid as it was, I started comparing myself to my cousin who was also not feeling well. Now that I think about it, this could explain why I got really annoyed last night when I thought about dinner…logic was telling me that I should eat because I hadn’t eaten much before due to the illness; but on the other hand I kind of didn’t want to eat because we were going to eat Chinese which meant rice and probably fried food and part of my brain saw eating these things as a massive failure, which in turn lead to another compulsive urge; but anyway, off topic again.
I guess the point of this is to say that I was surprised to find that my compulsion to observe and count and compete did not take a back seat to being sick; in this case it almost seems as though the illness pushed that compulsion to the forefront.
I also realized last night, whether it showed or not (and I sincerely apologize if it dd), that when I became aware of this conflict of logical thinking and illogical drive; that I became angry in away, and it seemed that at least part of me was attempting to blame the situation or those around me for giving into the logical argument to sustain myself. I think part of the reason I tried to blame the situation rather than myself was because if I blamed myself, I would have to pay…and I didn’t have the courage to ask for the necessities I needed to ensure ‘safe’ payment . None of this really matters though in the long run really. I guess I will just end with I’m sorry I got competitive and I’m sorry if I seemed kind of bitchy last night (friday). I hope you know I am not like that and didn’t mean to treat you that way (if you recognized it)…..I just have issues.

What does a person do when they look around and realize that all their real dreams do not exsist anymore? Where do they get more dreams?

Sunday night sometime between 8 and 9, I came to the realization, that after all these years, I have finely lost my grip on all my real dreams. And it's kind of strange to me looking back, because I now see the reason for all the years of hiding and trying to be whatever it was that everyone was trying to get me to be or telling me that I should be. I realize now that my main reason for trying and for breaking my own heart because of the things that I tried to do to "fit" into the mold was because I thought that if I could fit and be what I was "supposed to be"; then maybe I could also hang on to my dreams as well. I once thought that maybe if I could just keep my dreams, to live them, that all the pain from stuffing myself into a mold and from knowing that no one I loved would ever truly know me would all be worth it.

But dispite my my efforts, nothing has come of it. It hurts sometimes to think that I shattered my heart for nothing. My world seems to have fall to pieces before my eyes; and though I see the slight possibility of a world beyond the shattered mess at my feet, I am not sure if or how I am able to make it to this new future (and maybe some new dreams as well).

This didn't really help me work through anything I don't think, but oh well